slightlyeccentric

the things I clarified

Ok, so these are the things that I have clarified for
myself, and I think that most of these things are sex
related.
Ok, for one thing, when I finally do have sex for the first
time, I want it to be with another virgin. And I don't
want it to be in the backseat of some car, or somewhere
trashy. I've done quite enough in a car, and I want to be
able to respect myself afterward. I want to be able to
spend the night with the person I first have sex with,
because I want to feel that intimateness, and if the guy
doesn't think that's what should happen too, then he ain't
gettin any. I've only even thought about having sex with
one person, so obviously this really hasn't been a big
issue on my mind until I thought about how a lot of people
my age were having sex, and it might eventually enter my
realm of living too.

I clarified the views of my body. I discovered that a
person could grab my butt or my boobs and for the most part
I wouldn't care. There is one area of myself I'm extremely
protective of, and that is for good reason. It takes me
having great confidence in the relationship I have with a
person for me to take my shirt off, and I think that I
would have to be EXTREMELY serious about a person to remove
my pants. I'm very self conscious because I know I don't
have a great body, and it's been conditioned into my mind
that the only body type that guys like are the little
skinny girls, and I know that is something that I will
never be. I couldn't get that way by not eating last year,
and I don't have time to exercise on a regular basis, and
the short time I was on those fat burners and energy pills
I just felt sick, so that try is a no too. I've been trying
to eat a good variety of foods, and I've backed up on the
soda's but I don't think its having any effect. And its
very hard to be self-confident when you hate the image you
look at everyday in the mirror.

I reconfirmed that I (probably)wouldn't be having sex until
I was on birth control because there is always that one
little chance, and if I am having sex with a virgin, and I
too am a virgin, how are we to know for sure the condom is
on right? Even experienced people mess up. That's how
Sammy came to be.

I really don't know why I've been thinking about this
lately. I'm not dating anyone, I'm not planning on
randomly finding a guy and having sex, it kind of just
keeps popping up.

I am going to do one thing that will require me having a
good body image for one night. I am planning on dressing
up as janet from the rocky horror picture show for
halloween. this requires me wearing nothing but a torn
slip, underwear, and bra with some heels(although I'll
probably end up with a cami because I am just not that
confortable letting random people see my underclothes, and
some people might get offended. Well, seeing how its
12:30am I think I should get to sleep. I guess I'll try to
register again in the morning.