Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-01-13 22:50:13 (UTC)

Caught between myself and me

We were talking in Women's Lit today about perceptioins of
women and how Women are seen as either undersexed or
oversexed, but not in the middle usually.

It got me thinking about the two sides of me. At least I
see two sides of me. When I'm with John I'm the
undersexed girl who is more realistic. She's also the one
who tells me to do my homework and keeps me going.

Then I see my other side. The girl who wants to be sexy
and more perfect in the world's eye. The girl who strives
to be an ideal weight and have a look that most guys would
go for. She's the one who loves to play the tease when
talking with Dave. She's the one wants to be 110 lbs
again. She's the one who tells me I need to be more
sexually appealing. She compares me to other women and
tells me I'm not good enough. She usually only comes out
to play when Dave is around. She likes to shock the world.

Up until two years ago I only had one side. One side that
was happy with life. Losing my Grandmothers and Great
Aunt brought a new side to me. That is when I started
getting into reading and viewing things dealing with BDSM
stuff. I think I wanted to read about having control over
something or someone. Or being controlled. It is easy to
slip into a good story and feel like I'm the one being
dominated or dominating someone else.

It's sort a release from my dull life that I live out each
day. My imagination gets carried away to another world
for the brief time that I read a story or view pictures.
I think that has led to my more sexual side.

Anyway. On to more interesting news and things. I talked
to Dave for a long while the other night. The bottom line
is that he is not happy with his girlfriend. He is
probably going to dump her this week. She is WAY too into
herself. She can't seem to grasp simple concepts like the
fact that he's not a morning person. She has an I'm
better than you look at the world that he's having trouble
dealing with.

He described his night to me on Saturday and It made me
angry at her. It is the first time I've been angry at
someone I have never met and don't know much about. What
little I have heard makes me want to sit and talk with
her. Tell her that she's screwing things up with an
amazing guy. A guy that just wants to be loved and cared
for. I know the main reason he's with her is because he's
lonely. He thought he found someone to fill that void,
but she's not the one for the job. He needs someone who's
interested in him and his feelings.

I just get the feeling that she is with him for his good
looks and is trying to mold him into this perfect picture
she has in her head. She needs to know she can't mold and
make him into something he's not.

School is going well. That's the latest from my life.




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