ItsSoCold

Sometimes.. I need to hide from everyone
2003-01-13 21:51:10 (UTC)

-Ranting-

That's all I ever seem to do. Is my life that bad? No. But,
the fact that I can't speak to people I care about for fear
of.. what they'll think or say. Even their facial
expressions make me want to curl up and die. They don't
mean to hurt me but they do. I love them though. Here's
something I posted today.

~~~~~~~~~

Okay. People. I'm bored and mad and just..
so much crap right now. I don't want to put this in my
diary because.. That always starts trouble with all my
friends. That also brings people that aren't my friends
anymore to start saying stuff like, "See, without me, you
are nothing. Now all your friends hate you. You know why?
Because you suck." Don't need that right now. Don't need
any of this.
Sick of myself. Sick of letting myself have these
friends. Friends that whenever I think someone likes me,
need to shove in my face that no one likes me. That no one
will ever like me. Because I'm so messed up now and there's
not going back to being normal. It's like, I once had
control over things. Like, I could pick up a razor and just
slice away the pain. I could then just cover it up and keep
going with my day. It doesn't work like that anymore. Now,
I end up locked in a bathroom. Sitting in front of a toilet
crying.
And that ends with me puking. Because I ate too
many chips. I ate more than two cookies. Oh god. I always
looked at those people everyone wants to be. Skinny.
Pretty. Popular. And in my mind it's Skinny=pretty=popular.
I KNOW that is not true. I know it's not true at all. But,
I need something to strive for.
Perfection. Why not strive for perfection? When
the rest of the world is imperfect. I will never reach
perfection. So why should I not strive for it? It'll give
me a reason to live. Each day, look at people I will never
be. Then, try to be them. I fail every day of my life. It
kills me. I've become those people with shallow,
unrealistic dreams. Only, mine are killing me.
Perfect size, perfect hair, perfect laugh, fake
accent, and smile. They all go together. And as nice as I
try to be. All I give up to keep everyone else happy,
my "friends" just bring me down. Always. I get sad
sometimes. A lot. And.. It's too bad. Because, when I get
sad and I don't know why and I don't want to talk about
it.. All of a sudden.. No one loves Nikole anymore. She's
on her own with these problems she doesn't understand how
to handle.
You find me sitting in the bathroom with a razor
blade. Crying hysterically. So you slap me and yell at me.
That doesn't help me. Not at all. Why would my "friend" do
that?! Why would someone that calls themself my BEST friend
hurt me more than I'm already hurting? What'd I do? I
wanted to help from them, they told me I complained too
much. I guess it all just means.. In the end. I'm all alone.
And in the end. No one really cares enough. And I
know that's not true because I know people do care. But I
don't tell myself they do. My friends might find out I have
some self esteem. They'd find out and they'd get angry. I
don't care. I don't. Really. I just want to be loved as
much as I love them.
It's too much to ask. Yea. Oh well. It'll be the
same tomorrow. But. Who cares?


Call me up just to bring me down again
you never help and you call yourself my friend
I can handle this on my own
don't want to hear your voice on my phone
I loved you for caring but now it's gone too far
you pushed and you've prodded and you open the scars
I just needed attention and signs that you cared
it's too bad you hate me and you'll never be there
you yell when I think I people love me for who I am
and then you yell when I say that no one's really my friend
it's all a game, it seems like you just want to bring me
down
i helped you up and you shoved me to the ground
if i tell you I care about you, I'm just being weak
maybe it'd be better if I just don't speak
don't call me your best friend if you'll make me cry
don't call me your best friend when you make me want to die
it's dark and cold
i'm all alone
i like it here
there's so much to fear
don't be sad
you were all i had
at least now i can
not have to fear my friend
~~~

Yea. I'm one of those people.. That really suck. I feel
like crying. People that hate me or at least don't care
about me as much as they once did.

Mat.
Ferris.
Brittany.
Danny.
Ivan.
Stephanie.
Karen.

I don't blame them. I understand completely. It's like,
they try to help. They can't help. They don't want to be
bothered. Simple as that. I want to die. Someone needs to
love me eventually. Anyone.


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