2003-01-13 09:39:07 (UTC)

Back Again

Damn , it's been awhile since I darkend this diary
with my presence.Once again I have returned to bleed upon
this page.It's a new year and hopefully it will be a good
year.Because last year really fucking sucked for me.
I sit here with a troubled heart as I my fingers bang
away on these old keys.I find myself awakening each day
~wondering what the fuck can or will go wrong today?~ It
seems I am so consumed in wonder, that I am having a hard
time enjoying my life.I find with each waking moment of my
day it becomes harder to laugh.Sure I can fake a laugh , so
that those around me do not raise their eyebrows in
question,of what the fuck is up with me.It's not that I
give a fuck what happens to me anymore.But my kids ,they
are my greatest weakness.
These feelings all started when my 4 yr old boy died
not once but twice. He is fine now but at the time noone
knew what was fucking wrong with him.Come to find out a
doctor gave him a drug that is dangerous to children.It was
a suppository called Phenegren used to control nausea and
vomitting.Well it is not for kids and is very dangerous to
9 out of 10 kids.If you are the parent of a young child or
know people with children never , NEVER, let a doctor give
that drug to a child.Because it may very well be the last
time you see that child alive.That happend on September
18th 2002 and I still have not been able to move past it.
And at this point I am not sure I will ever be able to move
it to the back of my mind.Where it can just sit dorment and
let me enjoy life again.Will I ever be me again?