Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-01-13 07:29:47 (UTC)

Time for Me

Forgive me, everyone, as I say this. I have no reason to
truly feel this way? But you know when you feel down, you
will point your finger at everything to justify why you
feel that way? I have a loving boyfriend who loves me, I
have more than what most people have because of that. But I
will bitch anyways, I guess cause that is what women do,
right?

It just seems that every night I get off work as early as I
possibly can without leaving everyone else to do the dirty
work. I drive home as fast as I can without getting another
speeding ticket and sign on to talk to Chris. He'll be
online, he'll actually be online for hours by the time I
get to him, but when I IM him, there isn't much of a
conversation ahead of us. Why? Because he's too busy with
other stuff.

I sit here, dedicated to talking to him. So dedicated, in
fact, that I accidently ignore those who are actually
wanting to talk to me, such as Mark, Shawn, Malz or any
other random person on the internet. (Sorry guys) I feel
bad and try to talk to them, but there was such a gap in
between that I have to explain why I forgot about them. I
feel bad when I tell them that I was too busy being
engulfed with Chris. But as I sit here, he's busy. He'll
put on his microphone, so that he doesn't have to type
because he's too lazy to do so. He turns on his webcam, but
I don't know why. I just watch him do other things. Then
I'll sit there and listen to him carry on conversations
with his two roommates. Even if he IMs me, that is what
ends up happening. He talks to his roommates. Sometimes ten
minutes will go by before he checks on the screen and I
heard a "Oh sorry, kinda forgot about ya".

He loves me, but if he's wanting to talk to me, shouldn't
he talk to ME? If he didn't, he could just tell me he's
busy. It would be understandable, he's in college, he's in
the military. He has chores to do, homework to finish,
paperwork to fill out and errands to run. He can tell me
he's busy, or even put an away message on. But he won't do
that. So I sit and wait till he's free. Most of the time, I
talk to him a total of 45 minutes when I've been online for
2 hours since we first IMed each other.

I just wish that he would sit and make time for me. Talk to
me, type to me. Whatever. He can see his roommate all hours
of the day. But if he is to IM me, then talk to me. He can
make time to talk to his roommates and joke around with
them. He'll causally say something, then before I know,
it's time for him to go to bed.

I think he just feels that because I will be there every
night, he can just talk to me whenever and it won't matter.
If he has something important to tell me, he'll tell me. I
should make other plans at night. I did this for about a
week, and I checked my email account and there was an email
from him saying that he missed talking to me and he wanted
to let me know that he loves me. The next time I was on, I
said I would only be on for a few minutes to check my mail,
that I was going out. I came back the next night and we
talked for hours, actually talked. It was amazing, just
give him a peice of his own medicine and he'll miss me.

Regardless. He shouldn't keep me hanging like that. Perhaps
I can borrow a few movies from people, watch tv, read, go
running at 2 in the morning, go out with Steph or just
spend the night with Mom. Do something but linger on the
computer waiting for him to talk to me again. He'll miss me
and then he will talk to me.

I just gotta stay away from yahoo and aim if I am to be on
the computer. He'll talk to me when he misses me too much.




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