~L

My Screwed Up Relationships
2003-01-13 05:29:42 (UTC)

Whatever you doooo..Dont tell anyone..

Intersting situation.. and still.. I wait.. patiently for
this man to make a decision.. and while I know I shouldnt I
should just well.. move on I cant.. He makes me smile. He
cracks me up.. He tells me all the wonderful things about
me that I just cant believe. He makes me feel good and hes
good for my soul.. which is an odd thing to say. I didnt
think anyone could crawl under my skin and start to melt my
cold little heart (well when it comes to men that is) and
while it melts.. I become more jaded.. I feel like I am
some dirty little secret at times.. hidden in a closet and
taken out to play whenever a whim strikes. He says he loves
me dearly and while I can see the evidence of some of this
in his eyes.. I take it with a grain of salt as well. I on
the other hand have started repressing everything I am
starting to feel for him. If this goes wrong.. I dont want
to be broken in the process. After he tells me pretty
things.. he goes and climbs into bed with his woman.. safe
comfortable and happy.. and I crawl into bed alone..
whishing I was her.
I mean really how dare I even want to go down this path?
How did I become someones toy.. someones plaything? How did
I let myself become that involved? I dunno maybe its normal
to feel this way.. but hes like some damn drug I cant get
out of my system. I didnt mean for this to happen I didnt
mean for him to kiss me the way he did in the bathroom..
and I certinaly didnt expect to react nor did I expect the
reaction I got back from him. It was animalistic.. along
with so much more.. I havent experienced anything like it..
not even with the 3 I was engaged too. Is it passion? Just
pure and simple passion or is it something more? Why do I
get the feeling that the further in this goes.. the more I
leave myself exposed.. the more I leave myself open to the
knife in my back.. the ever present prospect I fear is not
far behind.
I dont want to force any issues with him. He wants me to be
happy but I dont think he fully grasps that.. he makes me
happy and thats what I want. Even if he is anothers.. I
dont really care at this point. I want him to be mine. I'm
giving him time.. really to get his head straight.. hes
been so good to me and so wonderful I dont want to fuck
anything up. But as I told him I wont wait forever for him
either.. I cant. My heart wont allow it. My head wont allow
it. I want the happiness that only hes been able to bring
and well .. if it doesnt go my way then.. I'll throw him
into my friends catagory and move on with a heavy heart..
searching once again for nothing..
I rambled.. but so fucking what.
I needed to.
~L




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