30 and Trying to Love It
2001-09-10 13:12:33 (UTC)

Since I last updated.....

Since I last updated, I think I'm starting to get a handle
on things. I try to remind myself that most of the
perceived problems are only in my head. I can't quite get
over the tendency to pu t meaning behind something someone
else says, but I think I am starting to get better. My
husband has been very loving this week and that helps since
I still have the fear that things are gonna end. Not
because of any signs or anything, but just because I've
never had anything permanent. Except Mom.

I love him so much and he seems to be showing me more and
more how much he loves me. I only wish that I could get
rid of the cynical part of my brain that says that he just
tolerates me for financial and sexual reasons. I don't
feel that way all the time, but every now and then, the
thought does creep into my mind. Again, it goes back to
the previous life I had where that was the only reason my
ex-husband kept me around. He didn't work and I worked at
one point two paying and one volunteer job just to keep us
supported and kind of enjoying life. He also stopped
having sex with me after the first six months because he
said he was trying to convince me to quit smoking. "WRONG
WAY TO DO IT, CHUM!" was all I could think and say, but he
said he didn't have any other choice. So I stayed there
and put up with the physical and emotional abuse he heaped
out daily because I didn't think I deserved any better. I
didn't used to be that way. There was a time when I
thought I could do anything and that wasn't when I was 10
or anything. I managed to keep that attitude until I was
about 16 or 17 when I made one of the other big mistakes in
my life. I fell for a much older man. If I hadn't found
my wonderful husband, I was gonna give up. The beginnings
of our relationship wasn't all wine and roses either.
That's a long mess that I will eventually outline here, but
not right now.

Things are really slow at the office today so maybe I will
explain some of it later. I hate being bored, but I also
don't want to get in trouble. I have only been here 3
weeks and my husband will be getting laid off in two more
weeks, so I can't lose this job. I'm so tired lately
because I don't want his mood to get any worse by asking
him to do the things he hates (i.e. housework, etc.) so I
have been trying to do it all myself and don't want to have
to sit him down for "that" discussion with his job search
going so poorly. He's been looking for 1.5 months now and
has had barely a nibble. I wish there was something I
could do for him, but unless I can magic up a job, all I
can do is be there for him and make him comfortable.

Why do I feel like I am compelled to be the one to take
care of everyone and everything? I know that the only
person I am ultimately responsible for is myself, but I
have to take care of everyone else too.

Before I forget, I think he may feel the same way I do
sometimes about the keeping him around for whatever reason,
but if he reads this, maybe he'll find out that he's wrong
too and that I have him around because he makes me feel
special in the way I hope I make him feel.

More later.

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