i'll tell you later

(catchy title to come later)
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Ezoic
2001-09-10 04:18:01 (UTC)

xcdfybvhunj,pl

i feel like shit - this is not good - i have no desire or
drive to acomplish anything - i am not healthy - i sm
starting to worry - things are becoming - i wish i was
elsewheree - i wish i wasn't such a tool - then i would do
something about all this and no just wait for things to
happen - maybe when i start working my attitude will
change - or maybe it will just eat up more of my time and
leave me less time to accomplish what i need to do - i
think it won't matter becasue the hours that i am going to
be working i would only be spending doing nothing anyway -
i am very much not likeing my living situation - why on
earth did i ever agree to live with 4 other people - at
times it is fine i supopose - but mostly everyone is just
in ym way preventing me from accomplishing whatever
pointless task i want to do - the TV is on way too much
brainwashing and - not brainwashing - but simly mind
numbing distraction from life - i can't understand it -
television is bad - - video games are bad too - they do
nothing but distract you as well - my god - all i want is
for a meaningfull relationship with one girl i can't
evenget people to call me let alone hangout - the people i
am interested in are always unaviable - and its not even
that i want a relationship in that sence of the word - i
jsut want - i want to say - when someone asks to borrow
something of mine i ant to say - oh it is at [insert
name]'s place - i want to have someone around who i can
have engaging conversations with all the time - i want to
wake up feeling like someone actually gives a fuck weather
or not i dont get hit bya truck when i cross the street -
and i want to go to bed with someone in my head knowing she
is thinking abou tme as well - i don't want what i have
none of the relationships i have with anyone in my life
mean anything to me anymore - the people i am meeting are
comfortablewith who they know and what they have - maybe i
am simply a product of this horrid culture we live in where
i want everything instantly - maybe i am wanting something
that will never come - i had my one shot withlife and i
feel like i skrewed everything up - i wonder who i want to
read this - who am i really writing this for not for me
becasue i don't relally care either way - i know all these
things i put down - i know them becasue they resonate
inside myhead almost constantly throughout the day - as i
walk to class when i see people i know an this is really
not good - i wish things could be instantly different - i
wish i could finially - my one friend KS says she
thinks most of the 'depression' these days comes from the
fact tat people donot take it upon themselves to make their
situation happy - or whatever - i dunno something like
that you get the idea - but i'm not sure if i agree -
people are always trying to make their situation better for
themselves - i think the word depression is used to
loosely - this is why i never realy say it too much - i i
don't know what 'depression' is - how can you know i do not
know what love is - i thought i knew i don't think i will
ever feel what i thought was love ever again - i can't see
any points of light on my horizon - it is i see no future -
i know noone really has any clue as to what the future
holds but maybe i am wrong maybe i am just assuming that
other people have a better vision of what their path in
life is - but i have absolutely no idea - i am a senior in
college presently pople are askign me - oh - so what about
when you are done what are you going to do - i ahhave no
idea none at all - i can't seemyself working i cna't see
myself going to school i cna't see myself doing anything -
i can't only seemyself leaving the country - C tells me
that things will not be any better for me whereever i go -
i belive her - i don't see myself being truely happy about
much of anything i might be able to get involved
with . . . . i don't know maybe i am not looking past the
backs of my eyelids - maybe i am just waiting for something
to come my way - is that wrong is it wrong to let life
appen to you instead of making life happen? how can it be -
life is so - - - - - life is too uncontrolable for anyone
to have the abilty to make their life happen - isn't it?
ehhh - i am becoming too philisophical and boring - my
teacher told me the other day that she feels something from
me - she sees potential in my ability to keep
concentration - she also said that when she talks to me
she feels sad - she asked me if i was ok - i don't remember
what i said - i know i didn't say i am not okay - because
how am i - - - - how am i not okay - i am living and
doing things and i dunno - i wish things were simple - i
need to break off contact with c break off contact move
on - she doesn't want me bothering her anylonger - i've
hurt myself enough - i suppose it begins by blocking her on
AIM - - - - -i may not have much selfconfidence but at
least i do not have to provemyself all the time like
someone who lives close to me seems to have to do - i
don't know what the real deal is maybe i am jsut totally
wrong - maybe i am the idiot who isn't - - -C is blocked -
i don't want to talk to her anymore - i want to talk to
her - i want her here i want her to hug me - i want her to
tell me nice things and talk to me until i go to sleep - i
am so incrediably lonely this is becoming worse thn last
year - and it is only a couple of weeks into the year -
this is becoming worse than last year in a different way
worse because last year i was dealing with the lonliness
and this year i am so used to being alone that i don't
even care about anything anymore - i need something to
focus on something to motivate me something to work
towards - there is nothing - classes are really bad - i am
not interested in anything that i am able to do withmyself -
enough of this crap goodbye


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