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2003-01-11 23:02:11 (UTC)

2nd untitled

Today sucked. Hell, this whole month sucked. My world has
fallen apart ever since my parents got divorced. Somehow
everything affects me. I've gotten cought in the middle
even though it was sure to never happen.
I've known that everyone has their own certain gifts.
Well, I'm starting to feel as if my gift or skill is taking
pain. I'm facing up to the shit that happens in my life
and I'm taking the bullet, and it hurts like shit. What
can I do? I can't back out...I wouldn't want to be that
selfish. I'm trapped in this life with my gut feelings
towards others feelings.
I'm now torn between my parents.. I do not know who I
should live with. My father has custody over me. I'm his
slave. I love my dad, but I dearly love my mom. Yet I'm
pinned to my dad.. I feel like a child's pull toy. My
selfish dad is getting married and is just looking beyond
how much this effects his chlidren. I'm changing schools
my senior year of high school. I have to get rid of my cat
because his fiance is allergic. My mom will have to move
away because it is too expensive for her to live within our
current school district.. and if there is no point for her
to live here, then why the hell should she? I'll never see
my mother again. And for what? A crowded haven that
supplys me quarters about the size of a cubical. My only
peace and quite would be to abandon my life.
I don't do anything, but I don't have time for anything.
I'm 16 going on 17 and I don't even have a permit. Never
had time to get it... I suffer from lack of enthusiasm.
Suffer, according to my dad. I'm better off without it.
When I got my braces off, my mom wondered why I wasn't
enthusiastic... after I got them off, they stuck me with a
retainer.. a 24-hour retainer. Same thing happened the
other day, just as I was about to get my permit. Studied
for it, got all the paperwork done, and headed out the
door. Went to the doctors office and the paperwork wasn't
signed. so much for my plans. If I make plans, they're
ruined just like that. Maybe it was lack of enthusiam that
caused it... or maybe it's just my own damned fault for
wanting something.

I'm now listening to Dropkick Murhpys - Boys on the docks
My mood is shitty.

Say, hey Johnny Boy the battle call
United we stand, Divided we fall
Together we are what we can't be alone
We came to this country, you made it our home

And the boys on the docks needed john for sure
when they came to this country, he opened the door
he said man, I'll tell ya.. they don't like our kind
It must start with your fists
But must end with your mind...