cactus_bleu

Life
2001-09-09 20:10:22 (UTC)

Sunday, September 9, 2001

Hi! It's about 2:30 pm and I'm lying down on the grass in
NDG park underneath a tree. Squirrels keep dropping stuff
on me but I guess the park belongs to them more than it
belongs to me. Afterall, where else are they gonna go? It
feels good to be outside. It's extremely hot and humid
today but the shade from the tree makes it bearable. I
didn't end up coming to the park yesterday. I couldn't
support the heat. Instead I went home, smoked dope and
slept for the most part of the day. Tan came by around 10
pm to send an e-mail and left shortly after. Around 12:30
am I went down to the Pub for a scotche. I must admit I was
hoping John would be there but he wasn't. I sat at the bar
and talked with Mike, the chemical engineer from last week.
He's a nice guy, not particularly attractive but nice.
There was one cute guy there who was also sitting at the
bar. He looked my way several times. The thought of taking
him home for a wild night of sex did cross my mind and the
temptation was strong but I didn't do or say anything. It
didn't feel right with respect to John. Not that he and I
discussed being exclusive or anything remotely close to
that but I felt it might jinx what we do have. I may be a
little superstitious but I slept with Matt while I was
dating Jason and well, you know the rest so I thought I'd
do things differently this time. But oh! I'm horny. The
night I spent with John was very enjoyable but a good fuck
wouldn't hurt right about now. I suppose there are worse
things in life. So I came home, alone, around 2 am. I read
a bit and passed out. That's not true! I went on the net
and began putting up my journal entries on the web. I'm not
sure why I feel the need to share my inner life with the
world but I do. I'm just hoping the people I write about
won't read them. But if they do, well... tough shit!

Today I woke up at noon, picked up a coffee at Second Cup
and came back home. I spoke to Tara on the phone for a
while, did a bit of cleaning, left a message on John's
answering machine and biked here. I brought a book so I'll
probably read for a while and bike home. I'm all out of
weed and I could use some right now. Anyway, I'll write
again later, I think!

(Later, 8:09 pm) Here I am again! I'm at Second Cup drinking an iced
mocha. How do you spell mocha anyway? I should look it up. I got here
just in time. There are no seats left.

Well, I am disappointed to report that John has not returned my call,
not yet anyway. I could swear his car is parked right there across
the street but I didn't see any light coming from his apartment. I
know I must sound like a stalker but he does live right across the
street from me. Okay, I'll stop obssessing and take a deep breath.

I took a long nap this afternoon. My apartment was really hot though
and I don't feel like going back. I don't have much to say so I'm
gonna read now.

(Later, 11 pm) Can you believe I'm here again? I can't! After
watching TV and playing games on the net for a few hours I couldn't
stand being in my apartment anymore. So I came to Second Cup and I am
presently drinking my second iced mocha (I still haven't looked up
the spelling) of the evening. I'm gonna be up all night, I just know
it. I'll do my best not to take a nap tomorrow so that I can get back
on a regular sleeping schedule.

I'm so bored and my apartment is so fuckin' hot. On my way here I saw
that Brian was working at the Tavern so I stopped by to say hi. We
might have a drink when he gets off work. I don't really feel like
drinking but I'm willing to avoid going back to my apartment at any
cost, hence the drink suggestion. I like Brian. He's a nice fun guy
but every time I talk to him I get the feeling he has a crush on me
and the feeling is not mutual. I feel a bit guilty about suggesting a
drink. He might get the wrong idea. I would have gone to the Pub but
I was there a lot this week and, well, I thought I'd stay away
tonight.

I suppose I could use this time to do some self-exploration but I am
without inspiration tonight. I don't know which part of my psyche to
explore. I spoke to my mom yesterday and told her about my day up
north. She said to me:"Fais attention de ne pas te faire mal." But
isn't the risk of getting hurt present in all relationships? I think
so. I guess she's trying to protect me. I think she believes I
wouldn't be able to deal with the pain in my present condition. She's
not completely wrong, just a bit wrong. The truth, the whole truth is
that I'm not fully convinced that I'd like this thing with John to
turn into a relationship. I haven't seen him many times so maybe I'm
not supposed to be convinced at this point. That would make sense.
But that's not really what I mean. I have an uneasy feeling about him
and the real cause of it is difficult to put my finger on. Maybe it
has something to do with the fact that he seems to have dated a few
women from the neighborhood. Maybe it has something to do with the
fact that both times I was in bed with him he would say, out of the
blue:"Allo Stephanie". I mean, what the fuck? Don't ruin the mood. I
laughed it off but I admit it was a turn-off. Tell me I'm sexy, tell
me you love ____________ (insert any body part), tell me anything but
don't tell me "Allo Stephanie". Or maybe it has to do with the fact
that his car is most definitely parked across the street and my phone
still isn't ringing. If you're interested in me and I leave you a
message I expect a damned return phone call the same day. So there
you have it, the whole truth. I'm proud of myself for having been
completely honest with you about him. I have a tendency to write only
about the good stuff when I meet someone new. This is good. There's
no denying it; it's on paper. I have a strange feeling that if I were
to walk into the Pub he would be there.

Oh! if only I had weed. Then I wouldn't be sitting here killing time.
That will be my mission for tomorrow: buy weed. Boredom is so much
less painful when you're high.

There's a cute guy sitting alone at the other end of the terrace. I
looked at him a few times hoping he would come and talk to me.
Potential fuck? Maybe. Whatever happened to men taking charge? I'm
tired of always making the first move. Men seem to be losing their
balls. Is it women's fault? Maybe. We did want men to hand over some
of their power.

Even eavesdropping on other people is boring. The people at the table
next to me are comparing Renaissance art to today's art. Sure, art is
interesting but come on, give me something juicy. "Anti-esthetic,
poor resolution', bla, bla, bla. Kill me now. Okay, so maybe I've run
out of things to write about for today. The cute guy doesn't look
like he's gonna walk in my direction any time soon so I'll go say
good night to Brian and go home.

Stephanie