Muse

Perhaps...
2001-09-09 07:17:09 (UTC)

Confusion

So today I was in a chat room with him and Laurel and
Duncan. So Duncan keeps talking about sex which gets Dallas
talking about sex. Heres what I got from it and he said I
was right in understanding:

1. something with passion that person puts their heart into
is sex, like discussion
2. a lover is someone who partakes in said actions containg
said passion
3. therefore we are all lovers when we have and use passion

So heres the sick thing. It all makes sense to me. Too much
sense. what i don't get is why no companionship? why not
pick one person that you can have passionate conversations
with and then be physical? all of a sudden he either decided
he didn't want the companionship or that he didn't want the
companionship with me. and that scares me. thats new dallas.
scary dallas. dallas who says be lovers for a weekend and
the move on. i feel like my insides are falling apart, and
they're pretty messed up right now because I think I'm
heartbroken. He's fucked up. I can see that. you can see
that. why can't i listen to that? why do i keep fucking
myself up? and how much in one evening have i fucked myself
up. i want to explode and never sleep and never exist and
just stop right now. and i can't. its like, that saying,
walk in someone else's shoes? well tonight i got in his
shoes and then i understood some things he was saying and
then i got the shit scared out of me. and now nothing's
making sense. i think i'm in love with someone who killed
himself and became new. or just forgot himself in his
values. and thats a mess. and then he said stuff like how they
should be lovers for a weekend and pour out your heart for an
hour. and its like, get with someone and move on. and that
scares me. i want companionship. but i want him.