White Toast

Trying to figure out who i am and what i
2003-01-10 06:40:16 (UTC)

thoughts post ashleigh

Well i started this in order to help me get over a girl. I
hope that writing down my thoughts might take some of my
pain away. I guess i should start form teh beginning.
I had the love of my life taken away from me a few weeks
ago. She had "lost the feeling" and i was shooting down
her dreams. I know i didn't seem like i was supporting
her, and i'm so damn sorry for doin it. She accepts my
apology but still feels the feeling can't come back. I
feel if our realtionship was worth anything she would have
given it a chance. She said she loved me and we were
soulmates... we talked about gettin married and having 4
kids... we were happy and perfect for each other... or so i
thought. She's so stubborn and selfish... she cant realize
a good thing... she won't comprimise her dreams at all for
me like i was willing to do for her... she refuses to
believe that the feeling won't come back. I say screw
that, if she had given it a chance it would have worked,
but she doesn't want it to apparently. I've lost the most
important person in my life... my love... my soulmate... my
best friend... all in one persons actions. One person who
refused to believe in us. She's quite upset about all of
this... she's not allowed to be as upset as me... it was
her choice. I think there are still feelings there, but
she's too immature to handle a real realtionship. For the
first time in my life all my feelings about girls and how
none were worth the time changed... she proved to me that
there was someone special out there. She proved to me that
i could be truly happy and not care about what others
thought. She made me happier than anything ever has and
has made me hurt more than i thought was possible. Somehow
i still love her... and sit up some nites thinking about
her. It kills me to know she's out having a good time
without me... to know we can't experience the rest of our
lives together. She won't even talk to me anymore. She
said to me that she was enjoying her life now, and having a
lot of fun... i wish i could. I'm sure sh'es reverted to
her old ways of doin things i wouldn't like her doing and i
bet she's loving every bit of it. College cahnged her, and
took her away from me forever. I don't know how i will go
through life without her... it kills me not to hear her
voice every nite... to lay in my bed alone watching movies
with out holding her and kissing her neck... it kills me
that some other guy will get to hold her and kiss her and
make love to her... it hurts so much to know that she'll be
happy without me, and is happier without me. I want to be
her friend, but i don't know if i can see her without
giving her a kiss and a hug and whispering that i love to
her in her ear. It hurts the most that she is happy living
without that.
I've realized now that i'm ready to date again, but i still
love her with all of my heart. I need to date so that i'm
not lonely anymore and so that maybe i can start getting
over her. How will i ever find perfection again? I love
her and i hate her so much. It won't be fair to any girl i
date, because it will never last as long as i ccompare them
to ashleigh... she's what i want... in looks, personality
and she was my soulmate... i've never felt that way about
anyone and i don't think i ever will feel that way about
anyone else. She is out of my life... completely out of my
life becaue she doesn't want to be a part of my life. I
must have been a fool for falling for her, y didn't i see
this coming... y didn't i see that i was getting played?
She was my everything and i gave her my all... how can i
ever give someone all of me again... she still has part of
me and always will. Everyting reminds me of her, how can i
sleep in my bed, in my room, in my house? There are so
many memories, so many ways she has touched and shaped my
life. I miss her so much. I miss playing board games in
her basement all day, i miss biking in valley forge, i miss
picnicing, i miss her beautiful, true smile... i miss her
sense of humor... i miss the way she would kiss me... i
miss the feel of her warm skin... i miss goin to the beach
with her... i miss so much, all taken away from me... all
things she will do with another guy... all things i don't
think i could do with another girl. I gave her my heart,
my all... something i feel i can only give once, to one
person... i feel empty now, so empty. A part of me is
gone. I would do anythign to get her back... but at the
same time how could i take her back if she ever wnated me
back. I'm hurting so bad, i'm a different person now... i
haven't been happy since i lost her, not truly happy. i
cna be happy in one part with my friends, but i'm missing
that other part to make me all around happy. Sure i'll
date becaue i have to, or be alone the rest of my life...
but will i ever meet another girl i want to marry?
Unofrtunately she has to grow up to be able to handle a
real realtionship, and i'm afraid that will take too
long... it is already almost too long. I cna't get her out
of my mind... but i want to either have her or forget about
her... becaue i cna't live my life with this hurt. I bet
she doesn't still cry about all this, i bet she's over it
all. She never truly loved me, was never telling me the
truth when she wanted to marry me. She'll go through many
asshole guy wo only want to fuck her, and maybe someday
will realize that i was the one... but it'll be too late.
I hope that no one hurts her, that she acomplishes
something great, i hope that she's happy... i hope she can
live without me. Unfortunately there are too many assholes
out there that will hurt her and it kills me that i can't
protect her from them. if i was an ass i would say she
deserves them, but the ashliegh i fell in love with
doesn't... myabe teh person she is now does. Why do all
the girls i date take a downward spiral? I can see her
self destructing when she finally get out of the house,
partying at psu and some terrible thigns happening... but i
could never tell her that. I don't think she ever really
wnated me... she always talked about how hot movie stars
were, what was wrong with me... i was good neough for her
apparently but not good enough to date anymore? Y couldn't
she try to make things work? I'm so fucking miserable, all
i want to do is call her and talk then curl up on a couch
and just hold her, but i can't. I have no one to comfort
me. I have to go through all the shit in my life alone, no
best friend, no soulmate. i was already replaced with her
new best friend, when she said that it was a dagger into my
heart. God i'm so fucking pathetic!!! Y'd i have to caare
so much... y'd i ever stop being the manwhore iwa s... at
least that way i never got hurt. I coudl always recover,
inever let anyone in too far, till ashleigh. I let her
into me completely, i trusted her, and what did she do...
tear my heart out. I can't believe how happy she is
without me, i wish i could be happy... i wish we coudl be
happy together. i guess she's better off without me.




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