Lost and Searching
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2003-01-10 05:14:30 (UTC)

So damn tired

right at the moment i am tired of trying to survive....and
i can't figure out why i am trying so damn would
be easy to just give into the pain and let it sweep me a
way to never never land...had a dr. check up the other
day...more of my ventricles have harden... i don't get it,
i have been taking the damn mecication, even though the
side effects suck ass...even when i play by the rules i
just can't get ahead...damnit what in the hell do i have to
do to see some improvements...i am tired, and worn out from
fighting to many twenty year olds, take
fifteen pills a day, sleep at the drop of a hat, and hurt
everytime they take a breath....i should be living my life
without worries, and the only thing i should be thinking
about who will be my mister right....i feel like i am older
beyond my years, here i have a mind of a 20 year old and a
body of a 65...........i can't even tell my friends b/c
pity is something that i can't handle right now...i have
watched my loved ones dies, and after the furnal, all i can
do is think how will their significant others get along
without could they leave them behind....why
don't couples die in pairs????

today i stayed outside longer in the cold than i should of,
and now i am paying the price, i have a stuffy nose, and
there is a constant ache in my chest, i am kinda torn
between taking my decongestants, or let nature take its
course, b/c i am going to die anyway, its just a matter of
how long.......shouldn't i be drug free...not being doped
up i would be awake more and more aware of my
surroundings...but with out them, it will be a day less i
wouldn't be able to sleep most of the day or breathe
easier...but then again how could life be worth living, if
i sleep through it...where would i make the memories to
leave behind when i die......torn and not sure what side to