2001-09-09 02:54:11 (UTC)


Well, hopefully I will be able to keep up with this type of
diary. maybe not. I titeld this entry beginning because I
guess this is my beginning to look inside myself and get out
all that I've ever wanted to get out. Seeings how my mother
won't find this diary under my bed, I won't have to hold
back what I write.
Wich leaves me speachless. i don't know where to start. I
guess I can describe myself. I will be turning 20 in a
month. I will finally be over my teens. I will say that's a
relife, but, in a way, It's a dissapointment. There are so
many things I would've like to have done but never got
around to it. Not that my life is over at 20 or anything,
it's just I should know better now, and I can't use the
excuse that I was young and stupid. haha.
Anyway, I'm in college, living with my Fiance and his
best friend. Which sounds like trouble but honestly, it's
like living with two guys who are like my best friends.
only, I'm REALLY close to one of them. haha. I'm in VERY
lonely for a girlfriend. I've met and am friends with alot
of girls but none are accepetd a best friend. I've had one
best friend in my life and she stayed in kansas to go to
school. I miss her so very much. She and I figured we are
sole mates becuase we just had a relationship we've never
had with anyone else. I love her as a sister but, yet, a
very different kind of love. I don't know. If we'd been more
open minded in High school and if she hadn't been so
religous, we could've very well been "together". I trusted
her with every inch of me. I rarely got angry with her, we
had every class together and were together every day out of
school and took trips together. It's so funny, we even dated
guys who were best friends and if one of them hurt one of
us, they were both out of the picture. I've never had anyone
stand beside me like that. And I've never cared for some one
as much as I did her.
I will just come right out and say that i do get crushes
on girls every now and then. don't get me wrong, I am very
happy with my Fiance. I just never had that lesbian
experience and I'm still curious. I had a big crush on my
good friend, Betsy. She went to school with me for a while
and graduated and moved back home. She reminded me alot if
myself and we got along very well. and there have been
several time when we could've been "together" but we just
didn't. Maybe its becuse Harvey accused us of being
lesbians, so, we just didn't.
I'm not looking for a "girlfriend" or anything, I guess
I'm just longing for a close friend. I mean, Harvey has
become a best friend, but he is a guy, and I can't sit
around painting my nails, dyeing my hair, and talking about
past sexual experiences with him. it just doesn't work.
Anyway, I guess I'm gonna stop writing for today.
hopefully Travis will meet a girl who I wi