nin137

Nick's Journal
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2003-01-09 22:42:19 (UTC)

The Essence of a Moment

Really a moment is really short. see one just went by.
there goes another. they're all over the place and
whether we want to believe it or not our lives are
determined, influenced, lived, by them. there have been
so many in my life and there are so many in yours.
remember the first time you said something to really hurt
your parents when you were a teenager?
that moment where you see that flash of hurt fly through
their eyes, so quickly that you think you imagined it.
that moment when you feel the kiss back.
or when you shake someone's hand and it's all sweaty and
gritty, that small minute moment when you realize that
you're touching an open sore, and you look down at the
calloused hand that is encompassing yours, and the moment
goes on forever?
the length of moments seems finely incsrutable. i don't
care what einstein says they all last the same amount of
time for each and everyone of us, each and every event is
simply a microcosm of time that we actually feel like
witnessing.
when our flesh sticks to the burning stove, and you tear
it away with the sickeningly smell of seering skin
lingering in the air, that one moment lasted and eternity
and will continue to last.
continue to last. seems redundant.
the redundancy of our arbitrariness as to what we deem
a "moment". surely everyone had a fucking moment when
things went downhill for them. all of our lives have
taken that dizzying spiral down life's shithole. we go
careening down our planned path of life to the tune
of "it's the end of the world", our stomach, lungs, anus,
and god knows what just comes together. they implode and
you feel that sickening feeling that you sometimes get if
you haven't eaten in a while. not only does your world
cave in around you, but your body does the same.
it's the moment that the steel of another car crashes into
yours and you feel the very onset of impact.
it's that horrible feeling that you get when you thought
you've puked all that you could. all of your life is
sucked out of you and you are at the mercy of what happens.
you are the mercy of your moment.
your moment of failure.
of hurt.
even of love and happiness.
it's not so much that we could ever control a moment, when
could we really? the kiss back? the saying of i love
you? we think we control it, but we control nothing.
if you think about it.
it's fucking frightening to look at our moments. we dont'
control them. our life is comprised of thses moments.
little snipets of time that we have no control over.
so we have the choice to live them. to love them. to fear
them. to try and forget them.
that one moment that we turned our eyes and ears away from
pleas that were directed to us.
yet we have those moments when, we see the kind of love
that tells us that the world isn't as bad as fox news
tells us it is.
that moment when you feel your life has made a positive
impact. the moment when someone you love looks at you in
joy, and the happiness they feel is part of you.
those moments of happiness are enough for me. they
completely annul any horrible moments i've experienced.
the lingering languish of lost lives is conquered through
the moment of joy you experiecne when your daughter/son
grasps your finger, as she/he enters this world of
moments.
i miss you a lot juliann. every moment you're gone is one
that i live on in longing, but at the same time i know
that they are moments of anxiety that will be completely
washed away the moment i see your beautiful eyes again.


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