BlueEyes

OneSubjectObsession
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2003-01-09 06:17:01 (UTC)

In love with friend dilemma...

So what do you do about that? Anyone? I mean, that fact
that she's a chick and so am I kinda complicates
things...but I dunno, I wanna tell her but if I do, I'll
fuck things up and then what??!! I'm screwed and no...it's
not cool.

She'll be talking to me and all I can think of is her
eyes, or her hair or whatever and at first I tried to
ignore my attraction to her and then sorta accept it but
not paying any conscious attention to it and finally I've
allowed myself the freedom of enjoying her...I also
thought maybe I just worshipped the ground she walked on
but I don't really-I do stuff for her that I wouldn't if
anyone else asked me and whatnot but really, who
wouldn't? And I don't want to BE her (another excuse I
thought about for my 'misguided' attraction). But that's
not it...and how do you know if it's love or lust?

And I'm also worried that one day (in the next couple
decades if I'm lucky) she'll be like "Oh I've loved you
all along too" or whatever and then the chase will be over
and I wont want her anymore. And I LOVE being in love
with her, it gives me so much to look forward to and makes
me happy thinking of something she said that made me feel
special or made me think she feels something in
return...if I tell her...then what? I'll either be
rejected or if she does accept...what happens if I don't
actually want her? What if...*sigh*

Like there's a lot in my favor :a couple of my friends say
that other people talk about 'us' as a couple or that she
wants me or whatever...they think we're going out-even
though mostly no one knows I like chicks too... But
everyone thinks she's a dyke anyway so anyone she hangs
around with is considered her girlfriend...so it could
mean nothing, no? Whatever, I'll go to bed now with these
thoughts rolling around in my head...though I do get to
see her tomorrow!


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