If You Could Only See
2003-01-09 05:37:24 (UTC)

You're dangerous cause your honest. You're dangerous cause you don't know what you want. *U2

Today was a rather horrible day. I failed my APUSH test
first period. SRT was good because I got my schedule
changed so that I am Mr. Sivertson's student assistant G1.
Weight training was good because I got to talk to Chad
about everything that is going on at Lawrence Central right
now. He is probably going to be arrested on Friday. His
teeth come in on Friday too, so he could be in trouble.
Two guys that have already been arrested said that he was
with them when they robbed Subway, and now the cops are
investigating him. With the two witnesses, they can charge
him with the crime too. I know he didn't do it because I
talked to him that night. I am tired of seeing all of
these people change simply to be with somebody. I have
trouble disliking people, let alone hating people. I know
I tell somebody when I don't like them, but there are
different levels of not liking. There is the Stacey
Lawrence, who just annoys me. Then there is the Hillary
Delong, who hates me. When I liked Hill, I thought she was
somebody she wasn't. I thought she was real. I thought
that if she was that easy to talk to and be around she had
to be real. I was wrong. I read a journal entry of hers
tonight. While we were talking, we had discussions on God
a couple of times. Neither of us really believe in God.
Her journal entry today proves the lengths she will go to
get Jordan Rieger. She now thinks there may be a god, but
that Jesus never existed. She goes from no god and being
taught christianity to, what else, Jewish beliefs. If
changing your beliefs isn't fake, then nothing is.
Sometimes people act a little different around eachother,
but changing what you think about life is another story. I
don't believe in god, and no girl is going to change that
simply because i want to go out with her. The only way
that my beliefs could be changed would to have discussions
on the subjects and to take a lot of time to think things
over. I hate using paragraphs, so if you like them, then
don't read my entries. Everybody who is still on my buddy
list is in an AP Lang/Comp class. We have to write a
couple essays tonight, and I just don't feel like it. I am
writing this entry instead. I miss talking to Chelsea a
lot. We used to talk all the time and knew everything that
was going on in eachother's lives. She was happy to find
out that I liked somebody when I liked Hill because Chelsea
know that I built a protective shield and usually don't
lower it enough to like somebody. We know eachother like
the back of our own hand, but we just don't have the time
to talk to eachother about what is going on in our lives.
Nobody knows who I like right now and nobody needs to. I
ran 2 and a half miles today then did eight minute abs.
That was a pretty good workout after lifting weights with
soccer. Nevermind, I am done lying to myself and whoever
reads this. I won't give this address out to many people
so simply enjoy this for yourself. I liked Hill a lot. I
liked her too much. I liked her so much that I didn't want
to lose her. This made me not want to ask her out because
if we never were a couple then I thought we would always be
able to talk. I was wrong I guess. I thought she would
stay cool, but now she seems to hate me. Some people have
told me it is because of the decisions I make, some have
said it is because it is just Hill. I like the idea that
it is just Hill, and that is why I now think of her as a
bitch. I have to think of her that way. It is too hard to
go through a day thinking about somebody you like that
hates you. It is different than liking somebody who simply
doesn't like you back, like Emily's "boyfriend." She
actually hates me. Won't look at me and blocked me on
AOL. Atleast Ashley is talking to me again. I hate it
when one friend hates you and then the another does too
just because the other friend doesn't like you. I am
taking control of myself now because I realize how stupid
it is to drive while having too much fun. Back to Hill
now. I don't like her anymore as I once did, but I would
like to be friends. The idea of calling her a bitch to
myself gives me a reason not to try to talk to her. I do
like somebody else, but will prolly be too chicken shit
again to take the chance if I have it. I know I won't
notice when I have it because this girl is so special and I
only know her as the way she is, and I don't think that she
will act different if she likes me. She just seems like
the kind of person that is so happy with herself she
doesn't care what people think of her. I like that about
her, it is great. When people care about what other people
think too much, that is when they become too fake and get
annoying. This girl makes fun of herself and we can joke
around so easily. I called her the last 2 times I was
having too much fun which prolly wasn't the best idea, but
she thought I was funny, so oh well. I don't know what I
said New Years Eve, but it really doesn't matter I guess.
She is still talking to me and didn't seem very bothered by
it. She said to me last weekend that I have an exciting
life and she wishes her life was as exciting. That is the
type of thing that bothers me that people say. I know that
she just meant that she wishes that she had somewhere to go
every night, but the way it felt to me was different
because I wasn't straight when she told me that. My life
has some highs, but the only reason I do those highs is to
forget the lows. I just love the feelings when nothing
matters. Nothing at school matters to me right now, I am
only worried about my life outside of school. I hope I
didn't make a fool of myself in this entry, but I am sure
that I did. Hope it interested you enough to read the
whole entry. It was a little long.

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