sammyy81

Nobody Loves Your Beautiful Garbage
2003-01-09 01:23:15 (UTC)

Lonely or Alone? Please Do Not Read

Loneliness its a very funny feeling. I like to think of it
more as a disease of the heart. IF you think about it. Let
me explain, it starts all in your mind, day in and day out
you think and wonder how long you will be alone on this
earth and if you will ever find someone to share all this
love with that can give it back....then the "disease"
spreads down to your heart. At one point or another we have
all had to experience where you can actually feel your
heart breaking, that pit, hollow feeling in your
heart...where no matter how much you try to forget how
lonely you are, that feeling is always there to remind you.
Then at long last it spreads and takes over what is left of
you, your soul. Now you are just empty. Vacant, no
expressions you dont smile anymore, your eyes just dont lite
up the same way they should be. Sometimes if i had to put
it in words I think this is what happened to me.

Im seeing my new shrink now, and she understands....its
like im running somewhere and dont know where. I used to
think that it was me...I lost kym, the truth is I never
really had her to begin with....we all never really had
anyone to begin with, its all just borrowed time and love.
Geez doesnt anyone ever just fall in love and stay anymore.

I just wanted to be all they need, and i cant keep up. I
get lost in all my expectations and leaves all these broken
shells around me...that is one reason why i fail...you ever
just want to be with someone, and its not going
happen...even though its all you want..you just cant make
them see...that is when you wake up and see here is gone.

Sometimes when im at work i just get lost...all these older people
holding hands walking down the stairs, knowing they have been
together all that time, and i dont have that, and maybe never will. I
used to think that if you are good and nice, then things will work
out and you will find someone that loves you back, i just dont know
what to think anymore...im so sick of...nevermind...i just dont want
to worry about, falling head over heels, which im pretty damn close
to warn ya'all, then getting slammed again, where i know everything
we did was right, and waking up without that someone to sleep to at
night....i dont want to get broke again...thats all.

I know that i have like no control over this...i mean except for my
actions, which im seeking heavy duty help for...possibly
medication...I just dont want to find out a year down the road even
one more month down the road, no one loved me...I found out last time
when my ex said she loved me...she didnt.

I remember the day...we were in bed and she turned over and looked at
me and said "sam im just not in love with you anymore, dont think i
ever was"....i never ever and ever want to repeat that feeling again.
I know i dont need another person to be happy, however its very rare
when you find a person you do like enough and can be good friends
with you want to keep around...you know to share all the nice stuff,
ie popcorn and movies, giving the dog a bath...or just to talk about
dumb stuff. Chances are I'll see you somewhere in my dreams tonight.