BeautyFiend

The void
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2003-01-08 21:16:51 (UTC)

So BoReD HeLp

Arrrgghhh i'm going nutz! again!i'm so bloody bored and i
have nothing to do. normally i'm snowed under with college
work. hahaha just thought, snowed under, literally.(it's
been snowing non-stop for two days here)
oh Dear, the boyfriend isn't happy again.he's stressed and
that means i'm stressed because i worry about him.actually
iv'e been stressed all through december. must have been
national shit month.only stopped self-harming recently.
thank the goddess it's january.(just please take away the
snow!it makes my jeans wet!)
i was just thinking (no, it DIDN'T hurt) why is it all the
people i love and care about go through so much shit? they
are not bad people they don't deserve to be treated like
this.Neither do i, i didn't deserve to be bullied but it
happened.sometimes this whole life thing pisses me off.sods
law indicates that the good natured people are the ones
that have to deal with all the crap.
i need a ciggy now. but i quit smoking 8 days ago (aren't i
good?!) ok..i need a joint! now i didn't give them up.
i just rolled up my sleeve.i hate my arms.coverd in white
scars.what makes it worse is that when i'm cold they go
bright purple. which totally sucks.i live my life in long
sleeves now because i was once unable to cope with strong
emotions, and now,i have to make excuses to people that
ask "what happened to your arms?" the people i know and
trust get the truth. but the people that are just trying to
make conversation get lied to.if i was totally honest i'd
say that my self-harm has helped me survive.seven years of
name-calling and bullying,attempted rape which then
proceeded into harrassment that is still going on. and
now,i can't walk down my own high street without people
trying to kill me because of the CLOTHES I WEAR!through all
this i was hurting myself.turning my emotional pain into
something physical so it's easier to understand.suicide was
on my mind alot i will admit. the only thing that stopped
me killing myself was my best friends and my parents.
neither of which knew how i was feeling because i kept it
all inside for fear of causing conflict.Strange how my mind
works really.i convinced myself that people would only care
about the trouble i would cause if i told them not about
how i was feeling or trying to help me.
i know a few people who are going through the same thing as
i did.i guess it's not that hard to understand why they do
the things they do really. i just try my best to be there
for them. even though it's difficult for me sometimes,
being their 'listening post'.
This kept me occupied for a while.and i got to vent my
compressed confusing feelings at the same time.oh joy.


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