dear dear diary
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2003-01-08 09:47:27 (UTC)

dirty confessions i hope no one finds but if you do - naughty for reading it

I wish that I could live out everything that has been going
on in my head. I feel like I am some kind of obsessed
woman who has lost her mind, and that I will lose
everything for no reason and end up twice as miserable.
My boyfriend told me on New Year's eve that I could sleep
with they guy that I want, just once to get it out of my
system. I told him that if I could, I would have a long
time ago, and that is the truth. That's something I have
thought about a long time ago (and continue to think about
still, even right now).
My ideal scenario would be for me to be able to see him and
sleep with him whenever I wanted, and for it to be our
secret, that he would call me all the time to get together,
and of course I would be there day or night.
I feel like I have to do something to resolve this, or I am
never going to be sane again. When I tasted him (even if
it was just his ear lol) on new years, it just made me
crazy all over again. I smelled him, he always smells so
good, why is it that I am so infatuated in him. I just
love the way he looks, acts, walks, eats, talks, smells,
everything about him is like perfect. The only thing wrong
is that I have blown all my chances with him a long time
ago, I have gotten way fatter, and the fact that he
probably hates me or doesn't remember anything that was (if
ever) between us. If I could have anything in the world
that would be it. For everything to be okay and for us to
be able to bone. That is how attracted I am to one
person. That is so crazy I can't even deal with it. I
hope no one reads this, it is crazy for me to even write it
down, but I don't know what else to do to relieve my

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