My Life
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2003-01-08 07:09:41 (UTC)

today sucked

well today pretty much sucked! To start off I woke up this
morning running late to work because I was up until after
4am because I was argueing with my bf! Nothing new there
but anyways I woke up late and after getting out of the
bathroom I jumped on the scale and realized that I lost
weight again! After trying and trying to gain weight for
weeks And I was doing so well too! Atleast I thought I was!
I truly don't understand why I have to deal with ED it
sucks so badly I hate it but at the same time I don't know
how to live without it! I've had an eating disorder all my
life and to just let it go is so hard even though my heart
wants to so badly! I'm so sick of being sick and so sick of
no one understanding the shit that i have to go through
every damn day just because my mind is so screwed up! I
wish i could just fix it but i don't know how and now i am
rambling because it's 2am and i am dead tired!! UGH I'm
just tired sick annoyed and cranky and it doesn't help to
know that no one understands!
My bf and i aren't getting along today maybe because he
doesn't understand what i'm going through he just says EAT
and it will be all better! HA doesn't he realize that i've
tried that a million times and it's not working doesn't he
realize that everyday i am more and more frightened! I know
he has problems and i try not to vent to him about my
eating problems but everyday i am more and more afraid and
more and more depressed because of it! I hate this life i
really do! I wish i could be that beautiful woman that i
crave to be BUT i can't I can't be her no matter how hard i
try! I look in the mirror and see this person who i don't
even recognize anymore!! Sometimes i look so skinny that i
can see all the bones in my face I'm growing pale and
disgusting But then everytime i eat I see this big person
in the mirror and it scares the hell out of me!! Everyone
gets frustrated with me because i see myself as a big
person sometimes Sometimes I feel like a whale but then I
realize that i am sooooooo tiny!! It's so confusing and so
hard to deal with I woke up this morning and seen someone
with a sickness that just won't go away!! Someday I hope
that I can stop this hurting I wish this ED would get out
of my head I wish i could just wake up and feel beautiful I
wish it was all over!!! Well now that I've done my whinning
and it's 2am I gotta get some sleep this computer is
killing my eyes!! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!!
We'll just have to see!!!!!!!!!!!!