2003-01-08 05:12:21 (UTC)

i feel like i am losing my..

i feel like i am losing my mind. actually i dont. i wish i
was losing my mind but instead am painfully aware of
everything. i dont know why i feel so goddamnn miserable.
this is often how i feel when i dont have things to fill my
time. plans. places to be, things to do. last night was the
first time in months i was able to lay and read for
pleasure. how pathetic is that. one of my favorite things
to do. and i cry . sad, moping, trying not to be. trying
not to think. no one i can blame. i was so fuzzy headed on
monday, from three straight days of hardcore drinking. so
fuzzy and i hated it. like i didnt have a head. or a body,
i was just white noise from a TV with no reception. julie
said something like "laying in the dark on a raft in the
ocean" im sure it could be a good feeling. disconnected.
unaffected. but i dont like that feeling. i like clarity.
whatever i chose my clarity to be. but see thats the hard
part. whenever i feel abandoned by people- rita, kevin, the
assorted other males that never seem to stay, esp right
now, chris-- it just makes me feel more lost. i really do
NEED other people, i need other people to validate me. that
i am here, and not crazy, and i am loved. and every day i
read those stupid al-anon packets to try not to feel so
terrible and rejected and goodfornothing and to try to
understand why chris is being the way he is with me. i try
to remember how he is when i do see him, how obvious it is
that he still feels SOMETHING and that im NOT making it up,
and reading that farewell letter luke wrote me was NO help.
the whole im not ready for a relationship you think you
know how i feel but you dont. making me think i am crazy
and making things up. reading that whole period in my
journal i realized if i knew how to play the "game" a
little better= play hard to get, not say certain things,
probably everything would have been alright , for the time
being.... timebeing.... how do people do this? constantly
deal with this shit... so much of it is just that,
shit. . . am i delusional in thinking that there is still
between me and chris what has always been between us? am i
crazy and stupid to not be able to walk away from that?
like i so apparently should? like everyone is telling me
to? even him? he doesnt calll me. that kills me that he
doesnt call me. kills me that i have to try so hard to not
think about him, not think. but its kinda working. but i
dont want it to work. i feel like i am trying to close a
part of myself off that was so hard to open, that he HELPED
me PUSHED me to open, and now i have to close it just to
stay sane and not hurt? i've never heard of anything so
ludicrous. also reading about luke... i only dated him
for 3 weeks. 3 weeks. what a loser am i? 3 weeks what?
almost a year ago? these things stick with me tho. they
stay with me. and im not one of those people that all has
lots of relationships . and what was chris? 3 months? thats
nothing. nothing in reality world. eternity for me. 3
months i fall in love with someone who is also in love with
me. which hasnt happened for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS. in three
months i lose my virginity at 22 years old. things went
very fast and i was ok with that, it was hard but i was ok,
and now i am worried he is just telling me things i want to
why did i give that guy my number? ive always liked him i
guess. thought he was cute. like that i have to arch my
head up to look at him. like that i knew he liked me. which
as we know is very rare. liked that he wrote. liked that he
was majoring in psych. i dont know what i would have done
if he called. but i knew he wouldnt. i didnt even think
about what i would have done. i knew he wouldnt call. there
is just a part of me that wants to get over chris RIGHT NOW
if things are over (am i retarded in thinking that they
arent?) there is a bigger part of me that doesnt want
things to be over (why? because i love him? why?
i am so sick of thinking about this. having him always in
the back of my mind.
i need to obtain the guts to talk to him . again. ask
straight up. really what does he think, and what do i do,
and what is our label, and am i allowed to date. i need for
him to tell me these things and he said he needed to wait
until he had clarity- clarity to know what he really wants
and needs to do, is a week of sobriety enough? probably
i hate that this is all up to him. as is usually the case
with me and men. hate.