becky doodle
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2001-09-08 04:27:45 (UTC)

whats goin on tonight? is everything alright

i hope theres nothing wrong. i havent seen you in so long.
isnt that pathetic? im singing mxpxs songs. how fucking
emo. thats right i have a crush. and itsnt it great that
that is the perfect word for it, a CRUSH. he hasnt called
and probly wont unless he has nothing better to do like all
the other men in my life. my brother, brYan, chris. they
call when they need you or are board or want some. ICK. its
not like ive never used anyone but i cant hepl but think i
was better at hidding it.
tonight i hung out with laura and her partner in crime
nick. nicks such a sweet heart. when we hung out i couldnt
help but feel a little more beautiful. everyone diserves
friends like that. its a good thing i dont have too many
thoguh, i would get an ego.
it was nice to have physical attention form somone again
too. im watching all my current exs find girlfriends and i
cant help but think i should being moving onward and
upward. whats wrong with me. and a better question, whats
wrong with all the people areoung me? isnt there anyone who
will love me for me? realistically idont think im even that
picky. i do have musts in a relationship but nothing
supperfical i dont think. i dont want any racists or one
ofthose people that feel the need to undermine me to make
them seem more intellagent. i want someone who i can paint
outside with more than anything at all. and someone i can
call or whatever and say "come over im loneyl, well smoke"
and they will comeover at 4 in the morning. maybe that is
alot to ask for but i would probly do it for them. i have
i put a lot (too much) into everything. thats why im so
happy lately. ive cut loose a little. not about school
thoughy cause of college and shit but im excited about
school so far even hoguht the people suck.

i got us free dinner at friendlies tongiht because the
watress sucked. i compalined IT ROCKED.
random thoguhts
im baked i miss meme and briana and kim and holly and
everybody. shnnon was always good for a wlaugh and PAYTON
jesus i dont even know. i need to talk to her. gatta find
the number and the time. need her back im my life now that
things are better in the mind area but crazy yet structered
and pretty much under control in the realy life/ school

i love all my friends. im soooo lucky. THANK YOU. youk now
whats great. the last time i siad something like that it
was before a suicide attempt and i ment it then. the thing
is i mean it now but because i love life and i love being
happy for the first time in 4 years. meds are amazing but
its sooo scarey i NEED them to feel at all in control or
happy and not iratable. they monater my sleep and stress
too. weird shit.
later xoxokisskiss

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