Watch me lose it...
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2003-01-07 18:40:38 (UTC)

Lose Yourself

Listening to : Eminem - Lose Yourself

Fucking hell. Sometimes, do you just feel like everyone is
going against you?
I sent the email yesterday about the parking ticket as I
was asked to do via the proper channels. Read the last
things I wrote in here. Something along the lines of "I
guess I'll probably have to pay it..." but I sent the email
anyway, but didn't hold much hope because the people who
decided on it didn't like me much anyway.
Richard jumped on me this morning "have you sorted out your
parking ticket" LIke its any of his god fucking business
anyway. Fucking bent scottish cunt. I told him I had sent
the email and I was just going out on a job...but stopping
outside the door I hear "Gary...Gary...he wont sort it
out..he was just faffing about" I'm glad at times like this
we don't carry...cos I could have calmly used two clips
of .50 on him at that moment. Just open the door and don't
stop until all the anger was gone.
Instead I opened the door and said "I have sent the email
thankyou very much like I said I would." And I got "noo you
were fafing about saying 'oohh I'm just going to pay it'.
"Thats not true at all..I didnt do it straight away because
we were going out to your stupid fucking birthday lunch, I
did it last night before I left and i was waiting for them
to reply. Don't talk about me behind my back like that."

So angry and bitter...I just felt so drained...depressed.
When I came back him and that other twat were there and the
other twat said "oh..parking tickets sorted"...Felt even
more depressed, rejected and angry.
"I spoke to Val and she took it and crossed it off."
"How did you get her to do that?"
"She used to be the administrator of the system and she
just took it and crossed it off" (he had mentioned it to
her and she had done it)
Puncuated with "see...see" from the stupid scottish twat.
Dont get me wrong. I am grateful that I get off a fine. But
i was trying my best to go through the right channels. I
did as I was advised. It was an embarrasing situation for
me..and for the people who deal with parking tickets. The
deformed bitch who sits in the corner of our office, looks
ugly and generally spend all day talking about her husband
said suddenly "I think you owe him a beer now"...
It was nearly breaking point there..and I wish it was so
bad. For now, he has every excuse for pecking at
me...beating me..bullying me..because "I fixed your parking
ticket for you." Scottish twat will come out with "Ohh he
could be bothered to sort it out..Gary had to fix it in the
end" He said "too cavaliar with money"...says the fucking
retard who pays £9 for a glass of wine? Fucking twat.
Fucking reject scottish piece of fucking shit. ITs none of
their was my parking ticket not theirs. I'd
rather be £25 down now than in the position I am and
feeling how I am.
Then at home, "mother" in all her wisdom... I started to
tell her (that was my mistake) and she comes out with "well
Richard is didnt fight for it
said "oh I'll just pay it." I never said those words. I
said , I'd probably have to because the people who made the
decisions didnt like me. I asked her "what more could i do?"
And all I got was "nothing! wish i hadnt spoken!" I asked
her "would you rather I went and punched Wyles and Kev in
the face? what else could I have done other than what i was
told?" It was an embarrassing situation for both me and
So i asked her again and again, what could I have done
more and she couldnt tell me. She couldnt tell me because
she didnt know. Because I'm 21...because Richard is 50
fuck knows what and because I have to therefore be wrong.
Because I'm always wrong..if your 21 you have to be wrong.
Your always stupid when your 21...just out of highschool
(only left 5 years ago) and dont really know anything. And
its my fault I'm wrong..and its my fault I get sick of
being "wrong." So i should just shut my mouth and accept
I'm only 21 and stupid and accept that Gary and Richard
have a god given right to treat me like shit because
they're older than me. To treat me like a 5 year old?
FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT SO HARD. Because Umberto has more
intelligence in his left fucking bollock then either of
them have. It was my parking ticket...down to me to sort
out...which I was in the process of doing in the proper way.
And if I didn't sort it out...neither is it any of their
business. If I have a "cavaliar" attitude to money (which I
do not as I earn less than half what that fucking retarted
twat earns) then its my business..because its my money. My money. And I dont want anyone else getting
So anyway..this is going to now hang over me like my
speeding penalty and my computer for the rest of my life
and be bought out like a baseball bat for whenever I need
beating down. Incase I get too clever you see. Only 21
after all.
I want to kill them. I find it fascinating that...if i was
to be there..with a colt .45 semi automatic
suddenly..everything would change. There wouldn't be any
more of it. It would have been my parking ticket in that
situation..not theirs. They would have let me make my own
decisions. just by having that one piece of relatively
simple engineering...everything would have changed. I hate
them today...more than I've hated anything.
Jesus...this is work..not school. They're not my mother
and father. Not like my mother seems to support me anyway.
Kids the lesson never do get to grow up. Some cunt
is always beating you up...your mother and father are
always there to tell you what to do. Its just that then
your mother and father will use that against you.
I feel angry tonight..but sad and bitter also. I don't feel
fight tonight....just empty and tired. Dark moments really
that I thought I had got past. Nevermind..tommorrow is
wednesday..and day light brings a fresh batch of
insults..all my fault. I need a new job and I need to move
Wrote to a girl on here called Twany, saw her diary...she
seemed funny. She wrote back. Gotta go deal with that
now..oh..and play hitman :)

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