nin137

Nick's Journal
2003-01-07 04:24:47 (UTC)

Once upon a Time in my Life

Once upon a time in my life I saw the potential. I saw
the road that lay out in front of me. the only reason i
saw that road was because i was empty. my life was an
unwritten book. it was a crisp clean notebook with my
ambition the dark pencil that would mark my way. i was
sitting around in a restaurant and i realized that my life
is becoming dangerously planned. i'm taking finance, i'm
going to graduate (hopefully) hit the workforce, maybe go
to law school. basically if i don't do something somehow
mediocrity will be the name of the game. it's that boring
horrid mediocrity where you just fall into the dirty
cracks of life without so much as a fading glimmer. the
type of life where it's the strategy not the tactic that
determines what happens to you.
basically what that means is it doesn't matter what you
do, if there's a kink in the road that affects your plan
then you're fucked. you just kinda diminish the drive
that you have to satisfice yourself and hope that all that
pot you smoked as a teenager will help you forget the
potential you've wasted.
that's what i saw in a flash of insight on christmas day.
i was sitting and eating alone (something i enjoy), and i
just thought of that. needless to say i was quite
disturbed by the helplessness i felt.
so then juliann came down to visit me. and as usual every
damn thing on this earth came to a halt and the epicenter
was my heart (i know that's sappy). we went to coffee
shops and watched movies. we talked about people, about
ideas, and whatever came to mind. but what the most
important thing to me is that we agreed that we wouldn't
succumb to mediocrity. you know, 3 kids in 4 years, job
out of necessity and your world is maple street and the
road to your work.
you get up at 6 in the morning and see the love of your
life groggily getting out of bed to share your misery, but
your guilt pokes you like a hot iron and you insist she
stays in bed, knowing that the next time you'll see her as
a frazzled diminshment of her former self. sure that's an
overly pessimistic look but hey, that's what i worry
about.
the two of us will travel. visit other countries. so
many people are afraid of traveling, but i say it's the
only way to really experience your life and who you are.
kids are great but having them as the reason for your
every move is a pain the ass (not to mention the vagina).
that's soomething you do when you settle down and have
done what you want to do. it's during that time of your
life when you sit in your chair and watch tv as the kids
run around that you reflect on what you've done. that's
life, not the helpess surrender to suffering mediocrity.