This is My Story
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2003-01-07 01:01:48 (UTC)

Here's a shocker...

Okay this was written TODA! Yah-hoo. hehehe.

January 6, 2002

Okay so here's a bitof a shock. "He" called me last night
and he was upset because he basically told "her" that he
loves her nd she apparently feels tesame way, but wants hi
only as a member of the band while the band is together.
But that's not the shocker--the shocker is that I could
absolutely KILL "her". And i thought i was over "him". I
think i was only kidding myself. True love dies hard. But
tha's ok, I'll keep it to myself. Nobody has toknow this
time. But i think that if "she" were within my reach right
now, I'd rip her hair out. I dont know WHAT i'm gonna do
for the rest of the year when i have to see her every day.
Thi is madness. I don't want to deal with this crap
anymore. I just want to go to NIU. I think that if i had
someone in place of "him", someone to love and would love
me back, life would be so much easier. But I don't, and its
not. I feel hollow. Losing hi was like losing a part of me.
But i'm going to keep quiet about it. "He" doesn't want me
in the way that i want him. Big whip. Actually, it IS a big
whip...but I'll have to make-believe it's not, and maybe
i'll start believing it.

=================LATER ON IN THE DAY==================

Okay so i'm not nearly as upset about that whole thing now
as i was before. But "she"'s not sitting right here next to
me either. I'm thinking of going on a "him" hiatus. I'm not
happy when I'm around him anymore. I don't know why but t's
just not the it was in the summer. I'd give
almost anything to go back to Florida, and have everything
be how it was then. But it's not gonna happen. So i'm
dealing with it. I just want to get over "him"--just stop
fawning and pining away for him....I've taken a step back
and I've taken a look at my life and i'm not happy with it.
So i'm gong to do something about it. I just don't know
what yet. I want someone to love, who will love me back...I
thought "he" was that somebody...I guessnot. I have to face just wasn't meant to be. WHAT am i gonna do with my