crumbs *n* rats
2001-02-13 13:18:58 (UTC)

Feeling kinda sad at the..

Feeling kinda sad at the moment. Am just about to go to bed, thus ending yet another day. Or night,to be more correct. Spent all damn night online. From about 10 PM til now, which is 7:30 AM. As much as I love it, I gotta admit it depresses the living hell out of me. Sometimes I wonder if all those hours talking to people is really worth anything. Well I know its worth a hell of a lot, I'm just tired, sleepy, depressed...and Valentines Day is fast approaching. Yet another year of spending the dreaded day basically by myself. Someone just told me a few nights ago that a girl does not need a guy to complete who she is. Well I know this, but dammit, it still sucks shit. Whether its Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, nobody should have to go through life alone. What pisses me off so bad is that I have absolutely no problems making new friends online. As my nephew says, I can go into a chatroom asking to talk about a lamp and I would walk away with a friend or two. DamnifIknow how I keep people interested. No I'm not saying I'm *all that*. Oh hell no. This is the way I see it. Physically, I am kind of fascinating...but in the same way a mangled-up car is fascinating after a morbid accident on the expressway. Socially, I'm a fucked-up mess. People scare me. I love them but don't know how to interact with them. Therefore I stay away from them. Intellectually, umm well....even though I'm far from being a dumbass, you wont be seeing me on Jeopardy or some shit like that. So basically, the only thing I do have to boast about is my online capabilities to make friends. I never even knew anyone would give a shit about knowing me. Of course, I still feel this way...I'm constantly trying to talk people out of wasting their time on me. Like this morning I spent over 3 hours talking to *circus ape*. He is the only guy I know where I can be as stupid, perverted or goofy as I want and he doesn't judge me. Actually, in several ways, he is the male version of myself...creepy thought, huh! He wants to talk on the phone soon, but I try to avoid that subject. Phones, like people, scare the hell out of me. Course, if I really know the person on the other end, its not a dreaded experience. Anyways, I just wonder if *circus ape* will still be there for me once he finds out I am a senseless idiot who laughs too fucking much when I'm nervous. Trust me, I come off as your classic empty-headed bimbo. *Elmo* once asked why I laughed at everything he said...I couldnt think of an answer at the time, so all I said was damnifIknow. I was too shy to come out and admit I loved talking to him, and that I'm a stupid fuck. I seriously think I need Paxil or something on that order. But I think in order to get that, you must see a psychiatrist. Oh I have no problem with that....but did I mention psychiatrists are people....and as ya know, people scare me. So for now I will suffer it out without the required drugs I so desperately need. Oh, on a more depressing note....*grasshopper* has a new love interest. I am slowly becoming the poor sucker who started out surrounded by guys who want her (ok ok ONLINE GUYS)...turning into the one all the guys go to for advice about their girlfriends. Ugh! I tell them a hundred times I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS!! I don't know jack about it. But here they come..." cOOkie, blah blah wants to date other guys, what do I do?"..."cOOkie, blah blah and I made out hot-n-heavy but she wouldnt go all the way..did I do something wrong?" A HUGE part of me is extremely
thrilled that they turn to me. I would be an idiot not to feel the sincerity in their words. But dammit dont they realize they are killing me here? I am here for every single one of my friends. I love 'em to death. But I honestly do not have a single one who I feel 100% comfortable sharing my problems with. In fact, the last person whom I opened up my heart to...he accused me of lying about it all. Apparantly I am too fucked up to be real. Nobody has that many different issues and fuck-ups. I spent over an hour trying to convince that idiot that I was being genuine about everything. That night after that conversation, I cried one of those pit-of-my-stomach cries, the kind that leave your throat hurting, eyes sore, stomach aching. I just lay there on the floor trying to figure out why it was so important for a complete stranger to believe me. I guess in a bizarre way I felt like, if he didnt believe me, then all the pain I go through is unimportant or non-existant or some shit like that. Once again, its too damn close to bedtime to be thinking about this stuff. Lately I have been dreaming of dogs mauling me up, getting attacked, and ...God reunions. So I don't need to be going to sleep thinking about all this negative shiznit. Glancing out my window, I see that its cloudy, foggy, miserable. One of those days where I will wake up in 8 hours, look around the room, try to grasp a reason to get up, say *screw it*, and fall back asleep for a few more hours. Ya know, I even dream that I'm typing on this keyboard. Even in sleep I go online to escape reality...It figures.