Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-01-06 09:30:05 (UTC)

Que sera, sera

One of the many true phrases that I have heard in my
lifetime. Some things can never be changed, no matter how
badly you try. I don't know, I'm in one of my mellow mood
right now. Isn't that what I'm always in?

First off, let me talk about this dream. I believe I
mentioned it in my last entry. It of course involves Chris.
But lately, I've been having these hurtful dreams. Usually,
Abbey is somewhere in there, and I wish I could kill her.
But this one came shortly after he left, which involved just
some girl, who was a figment of my shattered imagination.

In this dream, I had an apartment, similar to the one I have
now. The two bedroom, one bath apartment, however, it was
the same size as a house. The bedrooms were just bigger. The
living room has the wooden paneling like I do now and the
kitchen was constructed the same way. But this time, my
apartment was in a very shitty location of some big city.
I'm talking, surrounded by trashy people who would rob me if
they had the chance. On every street there was a thug, every
street a homeless person trying to find shelter under a tree
, every street had a prostitute and every street had it's
trailer trash. The streets were littered with newpapers and
broken beer bottles. Cars had to be parked at the end of the
street to protect the wheels from the glass. Everything had
double the locks. Windows weren't safe. But everything in my
apartment was bolted and nailed, well at least on the doors
and windows.

Ok, so the setting is done. In this dream, I had a female
roommate, whom I rarely ever saw. She didn't have a job, but
she somehow had money coming to her. Whatever legal, or
illegal activities she did weren't any of my concern. We
weren't really friends. Just roommates suited for each
other. Chris and I were engaged and he was home for good,
but he had 6 months in between his graduation and his pilot
training, so he was living close by us. We were talking of
getting a place right after our wedding, which was soon. We
were planning everything quickly, because he said he
couldn't wait to be my husband.

Only problem was, he was also having a relationship with my
roommate, whom I rarely ever saw.

I remember dreaming that I was supposed to go out with
Chris, go eat dinner, go to a club, something similar to it.
But because I had to work, he dissed me. He said that he
wanted to spend time with my roommate, spend the night with
her and her room. I was in a hurry, so I couldn't take what
he had said to me to heart, to really fully comprehend how
he had just denied me in so many ways. But when he didn't
call me on my cell phone while I was gone, I got mad. When I
came home, I banged on her bedroom door and started
demanding things. I remember saying something along the
lines of this: "You have a lot of nerve doing what you think
you can get away with. You may have pleasured yourself with
the thought that you are taking my man away from me and
whatever you two did behind your locked door is your big
accomplishment. But he is what I just said, my man. He will
always be my man and I have the ring to prove to you that he
loves me. No matter how much of a friend he seems to be to
you, his commitment is always with me. If you ever lay a
hand on him one more time, you two timing bitch, then your
eyes will be knocked out of your head and you will shit it
out." With that said and done, I just went to bed, pretty
proud of myself for saying what I said. But I heard giggles
coming from her room and music being played. My pride melted
away when I heard him say a few things about being
obsessive, clingy and pyscho. However, I tried to make
myself content by him promising me that he would be with me
all day tomorrow since I wasn't working.

In the morning, I woke up before anyone else did and ran
some brief errands. I came home when I knew Chris would be
waking up so I could shower with him and go out. But, I
went to my front door and noticed that my blinds were
closed. I went inside and noticed that my door was cracked
open, when I had previously locked it. Curiosity got the
best of me and I opened it, only to see the most
unimaginable thing possible: Chris and my roommate were in
my bed, fully in the nude, and she was riding his ass. I
came in as they orgasmed in sync and my mouth opened wide. I
was too hurt to really say anything buy I felt the hot
tears of betrayal stream down my face. He leaned back and
she rested her head on his chest. He just casually looked up
at me and said "Oh sorry" in the most sarcastic and hurtful
way he could and she looked up at me with this demonic,
seductive look. She was tracing his lips and he sucked on
her ears and I noticed her hand. She had an engagement ring
on and it glowed brigher as her gaze increased. It was as if
she was proving to me that she had indeed taken my space,
taken my man. That she did this in my room, in my bed to
announce her victory. Why she would do this to me, I
couldn't understand. Why he would leave me in the dark, play
me this way, was unimaginable. The ring on my hand had
disappeared and there was no trace of it's existance on my
hand at all. No marks, no tans. Nothing. But when she said
"You can go now", I just turned away, defeaten, and drove
off crying.

But that was my dream, the rest with Abbey aren't as
emotional for me, but regardless, they are still there, when
he is so close to her, or already dating her. I do not know
quite how to make these out.

I've had a few people talk to me, trying to ask me why I
don't just have a relationship on the side. One one side, I
can see how they think that this will help me. The time will
go by faster if I have someone else to put my time and
devotion to. To just have someone to hug me when I need the
support and kiss me when I need the love would be such a
great help to me. But it wouldn't be Chris. To do that would
feel too strange for me. It wouldn't be right. Besides, he
is the only one who wouldn't use me for sex with the rest
have or the rest have tried. Just because we are in
different area codes does not mean it wouldn't be cheating.
He's heard the same. Both of us seem to be pressured to be
in other relationships. But yet, we both don't want it. Part
of me does, knowing it will keep me out of this depression
that I always seem to find. I just can't do it when I know
he will be so worried. Will I chose the other guy over him?
Will I fall in love with this guy? Is the sex better? Are we
even having sex at all? Is she with him right now when she
is usually talking to me? Stuff like that. It just would do
more harm than good. I know I'd be thinking and feeling just
that.

I sound down and out, but I've been in a decently good mood
all day today. I've been smiling and laughing. Having a ball
with Nessa. I even found two Valentine's Day cards for
Chris, both of which are entirely too perfect for us. They
were staring me down, beckoning me to buy them. So of course
I won't turn down an urge. And that is precisely one of my
many problems; I can not turn down an urge.

Not when shopping anyways.

Target is my Mecca. It is where I journey to to find my
inner peace. I love to decorate my apartment, or try to
anyways. It seems to be my calling. Maybe interior
decorating is my nack. Anyways. I ended up spending $147.10
there. How? Well, I found a pair of jeans that actually fit
me all around on sale for $15. Then I found two tops on the
clearance rack for $8.48 and &11.20. I bought a new phone
for my livingroom so I can ditch Rob's peice of shit. It has
a cord, so I can always have a phoen that never dies with an
answering machine on sale for $25. I found a 4 peice white
dishset, you know 4 plates, 4 desert plates, 4 coffee cups
and 4 bowls on sale for $9. Then I bought 8 peices of
silverware for $7. The two cards for Chris, goodness maybe
it was $5, STRONG smelling eggnog poppouri for $1.48, three
cds: Disturbed new cd for $15, The Used for $10 and
Taproot's new cd (with the song Poem) for $10. I bought
black and white and color film ((Ok, I'm crying, I'm
listening to Unchained Melody, which happens to be our song,
on Winamp because it was on random. Before they played
Nothing Else Matters, which is my favorite song to listen to
Chris play on his guitar. Grr)) and a body spray that smells
like honey and milk for $5. I'm sure there is more, but it
all adds up, even though most of it was actually on sale. I
didn't too too badly, but Nessa is a bad influence in a
store. She forced me, dammit, she had a gun! But regardless,
if given the chance I will always spend money, and I'm going
to another mall tomorrow. Egh.

Que sera, sera.

What will be, will be.




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