My Reality
Ad 2:
2003-01-06 04:36:20 (UTC)

What do i have left to go back to?

Ok so if it isnt evident by now, this year is something
that has made me, not offered me, but made me start all
over again...i have nothing to go back to at school...i
have kicked preston out of my life, josh is no longer
anything i get to look forward to seeing as how he has
ditched me, i have no love interests there, and no one
that i would really care to try anything with so its
starts off with me being alone...then my friends..its so
sad bc i dont look at them as friends, i mean they are the
people i know in boone but once i leave boone i dont
really think about them im pretty sure they dont think
about me and in general, we arent really that close, i
mean we talk and gossip and dick off, but much past the
typical relationship that two guys would have, we arent
your typical female to female friends, we are kinda
detached from each other, its like we talk bc we feel we
have to not really bc we want to, we make promises and
plans and we try to go out and its fun for about ten
minutes and then it gets weird, we all realize how
different we are and how lil we like being around each
other and how lil we have in common and suddenly we all
have something we have to go do before it gets to late and
we all walk away feeling like we are just flat out silly
for continuing the relatinoships, bc in all actuality we
dont get anything out of them we dont need them and we
could probably get a lot more done without them...
school...why the fuck am i going back for this last
semester..i eman i could be in charlotte right now living
it up maybe even hanging out with is jsut a
long goodbye to all of my so called friends there and a
semester for me to whine and complain about how much im
going to miss boone and well maybe a lil to get my ass in
shape...thats basically all i have to go back to, a well
structured diet plan...past that im shit out of luck...
rick...waht the fuck is rick?..he is a great firned i have
known all of like a month, he had a crush on me and over
came it and then realized he didnt want to so he comes
over at like 5am fully drunk to let me know that he really
wants me and tries to put the moves on me and i dont
budge...he has a gf so it makes him completely
unattractive in my opinion, and then secondly and i do
beliee this will be the first time i will ever say this
but i am not attracted to him...typically looks dont make
a damn bit of difference, but its not that im just not
attracted to him but i almost find him
that so wrong?..i mean if he was in like anyone elses body
i would be cool with it minus the gf but eww..
god i dont even know what i am saying, even if he was
cute, im still not really looking to date..i feel like a
hypocrite but i think josh was right im not really looking
to start anything and leae it unless the guy was willing
to work that out, but seriously after all of this stuff
wtih preston and josh, im kinda tired...i mean i am
fucking lonely as hell but im just so tired i dont think i
want to date unless i can do absolutly nothing for a while
and just watch the guy dance for mean i know
that sounds silly but i want a guy to work his butt of for
me and put himself on the line for me and do anything in
his power to be with me and then maybe i will date have the suden urge to yell squeal like a
pig thats just pretty much what i need, i
have done some much for these two guys preston i have done
physical things for but for josh i went one step further,
i put myself completley totally out on the line he has my
heart in the palm of his hand i was completely vulenerable
before him, and i just let him take the reins...i have
gone back and forth with him the whole time and let him
tear my heart to shredds several times, but i loved every
minute of it and wouldnt change a single minute it would
just be nice to know that he would make the same
sacrifices for me, but when it comes down to it it doesnt
seem like he would, he has known from the beginning i
would handle the long distance thing i would move if he
wwanted i would fucking turn back flips if he asked nicely
and nothin..i am left with nothing...i know it sounds a
lil bitter and jaded but im not mad, i would do it all
over again in a heart beat bc it was worth getting to love
a man like that...i just wish that the second time around
it would have a happy ending..i wish that the second time
around he would keep me....
ok what i have to go back to..i ahve a blank slate to go
back to an empty canvas awaites me...i have a new
beginning i guess....and that scares the hell out of me
and makes me so sad i could cry...i dont want to start
over, i want josh, and i want my new school and i want an
apartment and i want to be on my own and be happy...its
not a lot to ask for really..i want that boy next door
that makes you smile, i want a good opp for a great job
and a place of my own where i can learn to be an adult and
fuck josh on numerous occassions..i mean its really the
american dream if you think about, so
tahts my rant..i just wanted everyone to know that i am a
loser...i have nothing and i am nothing at this current
point in time..i am hopeful for the future, but at this
current point in time, im just drowning in a sea of my drama in my eyes, which i hate by the way,
but still thats the reality i am letting myself be
consumed by my own self pity...i just want it back..i want
the happy life that i had back...teh life i had when josh
was still around, when i had hope for the future, i
believed that great things could ahppen if you really
beleived and when i thought i was beautiful..thats the
life i want