naturally

Musings of a Melodrama Queen
2003-01-06 02:04:07 (UTC)

Part Two

So here's the deal...

Chad is not a "permanent" thing. He will always be away, and
I will always be left behind. I can't see myself patiently
waiting for him for purely one reason: my twisted imagination will
ruin whatever it is we may have. For some reason, I have a hard time
believing that he will be faithful. In fact, I don't believe that
the monogamy clause is included in our nonexistent agreement. So the
question is, why am I putting myself in front of an oncoming train?
Am I sadistic? Maybe.

He is very interesting to say the least. I truly enjoy his company,
and to be honest, I haven't been this...satisfied for quite sometime.
That being said, I am staying on this ride for as long as the pain is
tolerable. I believe I will take Vangel's advice: do not over analyze
things.

So now there's a question of Jamaica. A logical person can see that
this a perfect move for him. I know this. In fact, I like to think
that I am being resonable about this and supporrt the idea. The more
unreasonable sided of me keeps shouting in my head that I am being
crazy. Why torture myself??

Enough!!! Too much to drink. Over analyzing things again. I just have
to accept that this is my reality with him. The sooner I accept this,
the sooner I become accustomed to the idea and therefore start the
mourning process. I see him, and I think to myself...Just be happy
that he is here at the moment and let whatever happens happen.

I think that I will regret it more if I do not give him the chance.

I really like him. If I am little bit more brave, I think that I
would dare to say that I am falling for him. It must be the alcohol
talking --- this from a person who despises those who use alcohol as
an excuse to retract some behaviors.

No regrets. I want him, and frankly, damnn the consequences.