Psuedo John Dudley The hider

UpsidownEmotionalWhore
2003-01-05 15:47:15 (UTC)

well poop

wow, being pulled in two directions in about every
situation your faced with is a pretty shitty feeling. Like
omg how happy iv been just talkin to people and everything
kinda pushing all the hurt from alyssa away and i was doing
fine, it was slowly just dwindling away and then booom a
bomb drops. I get an e mail saying i wast willing to work
with her and i wasnt understanding and i didnt want it to
work out...and how everything is my fault. Man i wanted to
say so much i almost flipped out. and now im calm enough to
write about it. When she came over saturday and needed to
*talk* i said what i could and what i felt best i could and
she sat there, as usual not saying much. Then she wrote on
a piece of paper she loved me but couldnt keep doing this.
Hse says things from our past were bothering her and she
didnt feel she could trust me. and if there is no trust
there is no relationship. i being stunned and feeling every
seem and patch on my mended heart leaking tried to convince
her otherwise. saying we could make it work asking her to
please not do this, but i was told no. i was told we needed
to just be friends i was told she neededto build some trust
in me, i was told eitehr her bad feeelings or i had to go
and her feelings werent going anywhere. So she handed me my
class ring back, left her the rose i bought her that
morning because i was thinking about her and wanted to make
her feel special and she left, me nearly in tears the day
before i had to go back to texas. so what does the wrecked
sean do? calls his friend jen and asks her if she feels
like comin over to party with him and his friends because
its his last night there and we all were supposed to be
having a good time. Jen martin tom come over mattt and
stacey are there i get wasted alyssa shows up 2 times once
to use the phone with some car trouble and the other before
that time was to drop off my christmas card that was made
for me which i was like dumbfounded in reading because it
was the exact opposite of what was said to me like 5 hours
prior. So then i hve to get on a plane when i hate to fly
and think about all that just happened and honestly if it
wasnt for jen i would have probably just exploded andd i
get all kinds of phone calls and text messages and e mails
the following couple of days saying at first when i get
back everything will be better and she wil try harder etc
etc etc, but u know what i was told its over, i cant be
trusted nothing i was willing to do would work, i mean fuck
what am i supposed to do i am not perfect by far but i told
her everyhting sometimes even tings i shouldnt have but i
did everyhting i did to communicate and express my emotions
and was willing to change and everyhting and it wasnt
enough so what am i supposed to do, its just not the time
maybe it never was maybe it always has been and we dont
treat it right but i cant do it now im not strong enough
and im not willing now i dont want to feel like im not
enough like i need to change to be capable of holding a
relationship because thats not how it is supposed to work
so in closing i guess i feel like i did what i could was
willing to even do more and if it wasnt good enough for
you.....sorry but it was all that was is and will be me
ok my emo spout of the day
oh yea the other situation being moving back to NY and
leaving texas and robbie gimpy nanez all dont want me to
leave and i kinda dont wanna go either but its not home
andni dont know blah ok done 4 now




Ad: