A Day in the Life of Me
2003-01-05 13:42:08 (UTC)


why does everything that feels so right in the moment flash
its warning lights clear as day only after the deed is
done? it's so hard to be honest yet it should be so easy.
if you love the person you should never lie to them. then
why do i feel that his feelings and happiness and sanity
and peace of mind and fantasy should be put on a pedestal
above my heart and my mind and my discerning spirit and my
gut feeling? things that feel so wonderful, awesome,
amazing, mindblowing at the time leave deep, dark, ugly,
painful scars. the closeness that we now have and the bond
that we share feels good. i have confidence in myself; when
he says i'm beautiful i believe it; i can conquer the world
and all the challenges i face in it. all challenges except
for this one. but didn't i feel the same boost in myself
when the relationship was not as conplicated? couldn't i
still overcome any obstacle with the vote of confidence
that he instilled in me? if i could then and i still have
the ability to now then why can't i fess up to the real
name of the boat floating around, drifting aimlessly on the
sea of my mind? good job girl. you found the love and
devotion you've been looking for, but you did it through
the wrong avenue. you're not being fair to him old girl.
the love that you have for him may be oh so truly real, and
he may have the best of your love, but if at the end of the
day when you go home in your heart it doesn't feel right to
have loved him like that then everything is not peachy
keen. something with me; the pork is never kosher. this is
not another bittersweet memory that i want to file away
forever. i would love for the relationship to last. i wish
it wasn't built on lust anymore, only love, honesty, and
trust. i'd be happy, and i could have my cake and eat it
too. i hate to have to start all over from scratch. the
steam's just burned me, and now i have to recuperate. hope
therapy's not that long. i'm not really looking forward to
this sleepless night, or the next.

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