Cat

Self harming dyke
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2003-01-04 18:52:41 (UTC)

Things are looking up

Well, I have not written for quite some time. I had a
lovely Christmas and New Year - much better than last year.
I have collected all my belongings from Brussels - all 100
kilos of them!!! I am due to start a temping job on Monday
(in 2 days).

I am going to do the PGCE (postgraduate teaching course) in
September - to be a French teacher. Once I had decided
that, I knew that I had to take responsibility for myself.
It is my life and I have to stop relying on others and
hurting people so much by hurting myself. I have not cut
myself for over 3 months now.

Unfortunately, I took the paracetamol overdose I had
planned to in December. I thought I wrote about this, but
it doesn't seem to have saved. Annoying! It was a long (3
days) and complicated (being allergic to parvolex - the
antidote - but too poorly to come off it, so almost going
into anaphylactic shock) time in hospital that didn't
really resolve anything and just made my medical record
look worse. Humph!

I have got my eating under control - I eat normally most of
the time and do not make myself sick. I have become a
compulsive swimmer and since New Year have swum 3 or 4
kilometres a day!!! This is keeping my weight in check and
I love swimming. My weight is around 62 kilos, so not bad
for 1.71 metres. BMI 21.

Anyway, gotta go. Hope some people are still reading,
despite the fact that I write so sporadically!

Cat x
PS I am infatuated with my GP again (Sam) - she is not the same one
as last year - the one who I wrote to, and who was so sweet to me,
she has left. The current one has been working at the practice on and
off for 4 years. I first saw her when I first admitted that I had
something wrong, depression-wise 4 years ago. She has always been
very supportive and I have had crushes on her before. When I was in
Spain on my year abroad, I wrote to her and she wrote back... looks
like a pattern, huh!? Last time she left when she was pregnant, I was
destraught, but her locum was the wonderful doctor I told you so much
about a year ago. Well, Sam's pregnant again. I am going to tell her
when I see her next that I will miss her when she goes on maternity
leave. She is so supportive and really seems to care for me. I am
realistic enough to know that nothing would ever happen between us,
but at least I find that I am eager to make her willing to help me
and that luckily involves removing my attention-seeking behaviour. I
wish she would hug me though. I miss the hugs my named nurse in the
belgian psychiatric hospital used to give me. She even admitted that
she felt like she was an adoptive mother for me while I was in there!
Fabienne, that was the nurse's name. I miss her tons, but I will not
contact her until things are a lot more secure in my life. I want to
be able to say with certainty that I am on the road to recovery. Wow!
I feel so empowered at the moment - it must be all the swimming!


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