2003-01-04 09:01:23 (UTC)

Hurt So Bad

Oh the irony, the bitter aching gripping chill of regret
for everything that i have wasted my life on for so many
years...after all this time, the one person lets me down
that i've put so much goddam faith in. how did i let this
happen? i truly am an idiot. what is love anyway? in the
immortal words of Ben Weasel, "love is for assholes". i
should email those lyrics to him...but what would be the
point? it's not like he even knows how deeply my feelings
for him run, apparently it was just a sex thing for him. felt like so much more, it had to be so much more
than that!! i know him, i know how he works, and "just a
sex thing" is not how he works. oh sure, you'd argue that
that's how every guy works, and normally i'd agree, but not
with him! he's different, at least he was different. casey
blames it on this new crowd he's hanging out with. i hate
them all, destroying my baby. he is still my baby, after
all, always has been, always will be, he just doesn't know
it. i will always belong to him and him to me, whether or
not we ever end up back together. how could he do this to
me? i hate him now. i hate him because i love him, if we
didn't have a past i would feel differently, i might not
care, i might not think twice about it, but then again had
we not had a past none of this would have happened in the
first place. but we do have a past, and that means
something to me, he means more to me than he could ever
realize because he's stupid, and he's oblivious, and he
ignores everything i try to tell him because he's afraid.
he's trying to take revenge, that's what it's all about.
like two years of lying to myself wasn't punishment enough,
he has to go and make everything worse. in actuality i
should stop blaming him. he's just a guy, after all. it's
my fault for being so naive, such a romantic, such a firm
believer in fate and destiny and happy endings
and "everything happens for a reason". i watch too many
fucking movies. i told casey tonight at the diner, nothing
really ends up the way it does in the movies, i need to
break out of my little fantasy world and face reality in
all it's ugliness and cruelty. i may never be happy, i may
never get married or live the fairy-tale life that i so
desperately crave. see, now i'm talking crazy. one weekend
with him by no means implied to me that we were getting
married, or even getting back together for that matter. but
i did think it meant more than just sex. apparently i was
mistaken. however, to be fair, he did really make it seem
like it was more than that. you don't cuddle with someone
you just want sex from. you don't give them a good morning
kiss. you don't snuggle with them on the couch and fall
asleep watching animal planet sunday night after bowling.
it's just not fair.

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