StephyDove

The First 9 Months of Our Lives
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2001-09-06 14:28:38 (UTC)

Miscarriage?????!!!!!????

WOW! The past three days of my life have felt like a whole
month! On Tuesday I went to the emergency room...I thought
I might be having a miscarriage. After my husband and I
made love about 8 days ago I started bleeding and there was
a small round tissue in the toilet when I used the
restroom. As soon as I saw the pinkish tissue in the
toilet, it was like a horror movie...where everything else
fades out around you and it is just you and the other
object...Well, there I was....staring at what could
possibly have been my unborn child. Tears filled my
eyes...."What do I do? Do I flush it down the toilet? Get
it for the doctor to look at?"

After flushing the tears from my eyes I flushed the
commode...in disbelief that that could have been my child.
The next morning when I woke up my symptoms were gone....

My breasts weren't sore....I wasn't hungry....I wasn't
tired....and I had some energy....I could have just
died!!!! I felt my little world spinning out of control.
I hit my knees and started praying...."My baby will live
and not die in the name of Jesus!" I hope that doesn't
sound cheesy to anyone who isn't Christian...well, it would
sound cheesy to me if I wasn't Christian...I just know that
miracles come from my father above....and I wasn't about to
let anything take my baby away--I knew it wasn't God's will
for my baby to be gone.

I wish I could say I instantly recovered and had "faith"
that my baby would be fine but....I just cried and cried.
I was spotting---(for those who don't know, it
means...bleeding vaginally). When I went into the living
room my best friend (and roomie) was sitting on the couch
eating some breakfast and he asked if I wanted some.... "I
just looked at him with eyes glazed and wide--"I'm.....not
hungry!!!" He knew well of my crazy appetite recently. He
looked at me kind of funny but didn't catch what I was
trying to tell him with out speaking the words.

Well, Tuesday came around and I was at work---
fretting...reading everything I could find on the net about
miscarriage--and spotting....After talking to a couple of
nurses on the phone and my mother....I immediately left
work, went and picked up my husband (who was soo wonderful
btw), and headed to this place a nurse said I could go
other than the emergency room. I was trying to avoid the
emergency room because of how much it costs just because it
is the emergency room. When we got to this place--and the
lady asked us what insurance we had....and we said "We
don't have any insurance..." This sad look appeared on her
face....Anyway, to make a long story short---we went to 2
other places and no one would take me...even though I was
bleeding at the moment.....so...off to the emergency room
we went.

While we waited (for over an hour just to be admitted), a
14 year old girl came in....she was doubled over and
crying...she looked like she was in so much pain. As I sat
there wanting to run and comfort her...I listened as her
mother explained her situation to the nurse. She was 4
months pregnant......14 and 4 months pregnant! I just can
not imagine. I just wanted to walk up to her and hug
her..but her and her family didn't look like they would
have accepted me... no offense to anyone...but they were
looking at all the white people and rolling they're eyes
and I heard one of them make a comment about the "rich
white" nurse that had helped them. It made me sad.

I curled back up in Johns arms and continued to
wait...Everytime I looked to the left or the right there
were kids....It just brought me to tears because I thought
I was loosing mine..!!!!

John just held me close and told me "everything was going
to be just fine"...I smile even now thinking of him saying
that. We finally got in and had to wait another 30 minutes
just for a nurse to come in our room. We fell asleep
waiting.....Finally the nurse came in and I had to get into
one of those butt showing night gowns....arggg....I hid
shyly behind the curtain as I undressed, even though it was
my husband and me only....I was insecure because of the
ugly flouresent lighting--it just makes you look funny.
Just another one of my many insecurities...that I am
working on....

The doctor came in and did his yucky thing--by feeling my
cervix... John said he felt like punching the doctor...but
he knew that that wasn't right...it was just a natural
reaction for someone else touching his wife. It was very
uncomfortable for him....He just gripped my hand. After
another hour they came in and took blood and took me up for
a Ultra sound....excuse my stupidity in the previous
writtings for calling it a Sonagram!!!! DUH!!!!

When we got up there John and I were siked....I was siked
because I got to ride in a wheel chair all the way up--
which I have never done before (childish I know, but it's
the simple things in life that bring such joy). We were
going to get to see our little blob of a baby--or so we
hoped.....

When we got in there a lady came in and told us that she
would be performing the Ultrasound and that she couldn't
tell us anything she saw because she was a nurse and only
doctors could say what they saw...for lawful purposes...My
heart sank...so, it was up to us to figure out if we could
see our baby....We looked and looked...and about half way
through she turned on a heat device...and I saw this little
beating dot in the middle of what I thought was my
cervix....and then these lines appeared accross the bottom
of the screen.....I squeeled....a HEARTBEAT!!!! I looked
at John who was way tooo busy squinting at the
screen....desperately looking....:)

We left and I enjoyed my ride in the wheel chair back down
stairs...and met with the doctor after waiting another 30
minutes....He entered the room...and everything seemed to
be in slow motion...."You have a 6 week old baby..." I just
about busted into tears....He prescribed some prenatal
pills and an antibiotic for cervitis...And we were on our
way. :) After we left we went and looked at this house
that we are trying to get...It's perfect for us....It's not
in the absolute best neighborhood but....it has yellow
siding(my favorite color) and its a two bedroom....one is
small...like a nursury..and it has precious moments
wallpaper (also mine and John's favorite), and a wonderful
back yard for our wonderful dogs to run around in....Lots
of space.

We went and checked it out....and grabbed a bite....and
sighed sighs of relief all the way home!!!! 6 weeks
old!!! Thank you God!

OOOppppss...I've written a book---congrats to all who stuck
it through this long entry. I'll start another to
continue...


Signed...
Me and the baby...


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