Casualty_of_Life

Broken Down Empire
2003-01-04 06:01:59 (UTC)

My Friends All Suck

Note: this was written in April of 2002

I've been ranting about this particular topic for days. I
don't know why it's still bothering me this much. My
friends have never really been worth a whole lot, and right
now I am getting ready to move to North Carolina. I really
shouldn't care about a bunch of people I am leaving behind
in New Jersey.

But it still makes me wonder. My friends aren't doing a
great job on my self esteem. I've become either their
mother or their back up plan, and it drives me insane. They
all have no problem what so ever dropping all of their
problems on me, even though God knows I have tons of my
own, but they aren't there to share the good stuff with me.

My friends. Man, I really wonder how I manage to get myself
in these pickles. They all always just become like the
rest, even if they started off looking different than them.

I should swear off best friends. The last best friend I
had, we were the same. It was creepy how alike we were,
really. But she turned around and went down another path
than I did. I was always the type to slack off and just say
fuck it to everything, until I got to college for some
reason. Yeah, I've had my fun, but now I'm also busting my
ass to get good grades. I met this girl in one of my
college classes and she was the same way, having fun but
working hard, too. Even if neither of us has really great
grades, we did work like hell to get those grades.

But now, I'm still on that path, hoping to have at least a
semi decent career, and she has teetered off. She's failing
all of her classes, and it's all because she has gotten
into drugs. Hey, I will be the first to say, she should
have the right to do with her body as she pleases. I think
drugs should be legal. But in all honesty, it's not fun
being the only sober one. I want to go out to shows and
clubs, she just wants to sit around and smoke pot or get
drunk off her ass. I have moved so far away from that at
this point that getting drunk and high isn't my idea of a
good time. Well, ok, I still get drunk sometimes, just not
often. Maybe once or twice a year.

So I haven't hung out with her in a long time. None of her
friends have, except the two she smokes up with and does
all these other drugs with. But now her family for some
reason thinks I am her keeper. She was missing yet again
today and her family called me to see if I had any idea
where she was, and if not, where does she hang out. She
turned 23 yesterday, this isn't my problem. But I told them
to check St. Mark's Place in NY, especially the St. Mark's
hotel since she was gone for two days at this point.

But this is my life. I have people's families calling me
when their child vanishes. I have everyone calling me to
give me play-by-plays of their lives including telling me
all the fun they are having while they have no time for me,
people forgetting that we had plans together and leaving me
to sit around ready to go, steaming. I've had enough. What
is so wrong with me that people don't see the need to have
any fun with me? No one ever asks me to go anywhere with
them, but they expect me to be their confidant when things
go bad in their lives. Yet no one listens to me when I need
to talk about my problems, which is very rare. I tend to
keep things to myself. I wish everyone else would do the
same thing. It's taking an emotional toll on me.

I don't know. It's tough for me to make new friends because
I am painfully shy. And now, so close to a move, it's
pointless. But I fear what is going to happen when I
finally leave and settle in North Carolina.




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