2001-09-06 03:12:22 (UTC)


see this is the ultimate at my private diary. like anyone i
know is even remotely going to FIND this one. fuck! i hate
life so fucking much sometimes. but what do i have?
brad...uh no....gee i'll tell all you imaginary people what
i have...a fucking amazing guy IN SCOTLAND...gee..yeah
that's gunna work...yeah i'll move to dundee...actually i'd
like to.....anything to get me out of hamilton. hamilton does everyone that lives in it. EVERYONE SUCKS!
i wish i could shoot them all. i wish everyone would just
fucking DIE. i wish that there weren't so many fucking
biggoted assed bastards that should be shot. i wish that i
could be fucking happy for once in my god damned awful
life. what is so fucking wrong with me that everyone hhates
me. even my supposed god damned friends don't like me. well
miriam does...i dont' think jamie does too much. but then
why would she. what in fucks name have i done for her. oh
look ashleigh's calling oh look evelyn's in tears oh gee
guess who i'll pick....uhh...ASHLEIGH...course you emotions mean nothing. why in fucks name would
they. i'm useless. really though what am i good for aside
from making people feel better about their crappy comparing theirs to mine their life probably
seems like fucking heaven. gee...well my boyfriend just
broke up with me but evelyn's on the verge of suicide
because her father kicked the shit out of her again and her
boyfriend's beating the shit out of her. hey cool. i'll
hang out with her...she makes my life happy...FUCK! i wanna
scream so fucking loud...why is it late...why aren't there
any fields around. why can't i just go crawl into a hole
and DIE. death would be welcomed once again. fuck. why
can't i just bleed. why can't i just take a fucking
sledgehammer and smash my skull. or just take a fucking
knife and bleed all over the fucking house. but my mother
would be too concerned that i was ruining the hardwood
floor.oh no might our rich aristrocratic friends come over
while i'm bleeding all over the bathroom. heaven forbid you
might not yell at me for once. oi. at least i have pretend
friends. that pretend to care. that pretend to read my
journal/diary entries. that occasionally make comments.
that occasionally tell me things will be okay. even thought
they're lying. even though i know they're fuckign full of
shit. *bastards*....why can't people just come fucking
straight with me. why can't people just fucking tell me
they dont' like me instead of pretending. I HATE FUCKING
PEOPLE THAT LIE TO ME. oi. i'm fucking pouring my heart out
to brad. he tells me the same thing i've been telling
myself since grade 10. to stand tall. don't let their
comments get to you. but see its kinda hard when they force
it upon you every minute of your fucking life. FUCK. and
its even worse that i'm never the trophy girlfriend. i'm
not the stupid little whore that everyone wants to
fuck...well there's andrew but i don't hink he
counts....well he thinks i'm great anyways...not that it
matters...oh well...i've had enough..i've caused myself to
turn purple and my fingers have gone numb...thank god i
found this...thank god....i think its saved my life