Abstract Soul
2003-01-03 17:54:20 (UTC)

Am I happy? Are you?

I finally have had it. After all, you cannot be 17 and not
have encountered it yet. I always thought this type of
conversation to be one of saddness because it is insincere.
I've had my first artificial conversation with a person
whose "realness" is what first made me fall for him. Okay..
I'm writing this a bit later than usual, but nonetheless I
am still writing about it. This conversation that I speak
of happened a few weeks ago. There was this hesitant manner
to him that made me wonder if it was uncomfortable for him
that I was standing so close. I don't understand this
certain person quite like I had used to. When we do speak,
which is not as often as I would like, I have ask
myself, "Do we only conversate because it something that we
made a pact to do when we were something of a close couple
or do we only do it now, on occasion, to check up on each
other to see if whether or not the other has made the
other's life a living hell?" I will never quite have the
understanding that I yearn for.

I have often gone off alone to be alone and watch others
and it seems that the world isn't as horrible as I always
percieved to be, because everyone seems to be having a good
time. Is it only MY world that is horrible? Perhaps I do
live in my own little melodrama, but hey....if life were
free of drama and quirky little antics...what would be the
point? Still...these little antics as I call them....well..
they can certainly drive you to the edge.

A thought just occured to me...happiness. Is it
overshadowed by all the drama that unfolds within each day
of our lives or is it just undiscovered? I was just reading
over this entry and realized that I left no room in here to
reflect upon the possibility of owning such a wonder. You
know, as I sit here pondering that word, I must say, I
don't recall ever being asked if I was happy? Sure, I ask
myself all the time, but that doesn't really count. I think
it to be a sadness to have never been asked. So I say to
all those who read this....Are you happy?


Dearest Taylor,

Thank you so very much for wondering. The act of
wondering is an endearing act unaware of and a trait I so
admire. I truly admire you. You know Taylor, you are truly
deserving of any reccommendations anyone has to give of you
and don't write yourself off yet about what you are capable
of, I know your words. I know that they come from your
heart and soul and I see them to be but descriptions of the
amazing person you are. I was sorry to have read that
things have not gone as well as I had hoped them to be for
you. Perhaps now that we will be working together in third
block, we will have more time to get to meanings of our
undiscovered pains and misgivings. Until we speak or write
to each other thoughts are for you.

Oh and Taylor, that means more to me than you will ever
know. (smiles)