My Heart and Soul....
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2003-01-03 17:27:51 (UTC)

New Mistakes...

A new year.....365 more days to make mistakes....

Ugh...yea, that's about ho my New Year started. The party
was great. I had a total blast. Kissed someone at midnight.
I think his name was Luke. Then I kissed someone else. His
name was Jaime. haha....then I kept drinking. I had been
upstairt throwing up ( I was double fisting smirnoff and
beer, add a couple shots of vodka, and you get me REALLY
messed up) I cam back down stairs and was laying on the
couch with another guy, Aaron...we were talking, then
someone started yelling, and I hear my friend Jen
scream"Andy!" I was pissed. He was supposed to be at a party
in Interlaken. And then he comes to the party that he KNEW I
was at. He looked at me, and said my name, and started
trying to make his way over to me, so I ran upstairs again.
When I came back down, I was on my way out to the keg, via
the kitchen, and he was standing there. Grabs my arm, and
starts talking to me. How was my christmas, what's my new
years resolution, what had i been up to. I'm stupid so I
talked to him. He hugged me, then looked at me, and kissed
me. This is all a little blurry...I only remember it, cause
I like him so much. We ended up standing in the kitchen
talking for like 30 minutes. Then the people I was riding
with wanted to get going. He asked if I was leaving, I said
yea...he asked me to come over to his house. At first I said
no. Cause I knew where that was going. A great night with
him...then he wouldn't call me for a couple weeks, until we
ran into each other at a party...when he ask me to come over
again....etc., etc., etc.....But then he asked again, and he
looked so damn cute, and he kissed me, and I love the way he
kisses me...so I said ok. He came with us back to Jen's to
get my car. That was fun. 6 people crammed into the backseat
of a little car. Danielle in the middle deciding she had to
puke just outside of Ovid.

We get back to Jen's, put Danni to bed, and sat and talked
for like 40 minutes, then said good-bye, and he and I went
back to his house. I can't remember all the details. I know
I spent the night with him. (well i remember a little
more...but I'm not dishing that out for ya'll...) We woke up
at 10....then decided we were too hungover to get up, and
stayed in bed until like 3 in the afternoon. Got up, he
fixed breakfast. We ate, watched a movie, then I had to go.
He hugged, said thanks for the night, and I left. I haven't
heard from him since. Am I surprised? No. Not at all.

So now...I sit around. I have a great guy, who likes me a
lot, but I can't get with him, cause I have these messed up
feelings for Andy. Why? I have no idea. You all know I am
drawn to the ones that treat me like shit. Which is just
what he's doing. But then, I'm using him in a way too.
Because as long as we have this little thing between us, I'm
avoiding commitment with someone else, and I'm not committed
to him....but I'm sorta with someone. Which breaks my
resolution in SO many ways. But I'll do it anyway. I don't
know why. I want to tell him no. Next time he kisses me, I
want to smack him, and tell him to leave me alone. But I
know I won't be able to. I hate that. I have no will power.
And I'm going to get hurt....and I know I've said that
before...and I was right..........