2003-01-03 14:19:24 (UTC)

One heck Of A Cold Morning

Woken at 5.30am by the phone...freezing my butt right now.
It does not even snow here yet I am as hecka cold!.
Brrrrr.I have a huge day ahead of me. I face it wondering
whether its going to be my last. I don't even want to
contemplate looking back at my diary entry yesterday
because I know I made a rather sick diary entry. Oh
well...whats done is done.

Anyway, with Josh Groban playing in the
I am again...typing away on my PC...the house as silent as
if sitting in my pair of Jeans, T-shirt
getting ready to face the day with a will iron clad. This
is going to be a good day...Yeah?.Hmmnnn..what on earth am

I often wonder about death. What happens when life ends?.
Where does a person go?. Isn't that a scary thought?. I am
afraid even to think of myself dying, and rotting in a
grave with worms and maggots going through every part of
my body. Imagine that. I think I would like to be
cremated...but then I have read of stories of folks who
remained alive...yet pronounced medically dead. What if
that happens to me and I am cremated?. Shiet!!I know death
is what becomes us all. Somehow I have to accept the fact
that oneday I will die...not today though coz I want to
live and breath todays air.

Now a bit about myself...I have a very sensitive outlook
on life. I hurt too fast and too much. Never had much of a
childhood, but I figure I turned out right. Joined the
Police Force when I was only 18 years old. Worked my butt
off as a cop for 10 years. Even married a fellow cop and
still married to that same guy now 12 years down the line.
A product of a broken left for overseas, and
dad... a fellow cop, left home for better women...leaving
me at 15 years old to care to for my 3 siblings...the
youngest who was 8 years old at the time. Scrounging
around for food, and the basic essentials of life...I did
the only thing I could...give up the prospects of going to
college and being a doctor to joining the Police Force at
that young age to see my brothers through school and put
food on their table. That worked out really well because
they are established proffessionals in their own right
now. I must have done something right :-).

Can you believe though..fresh out of high School...I ran
through Basic Police Academy courses like it was peanuts.
A high school athlete...6ft tall...fresh and still a
virgin (awww..imagine that!)...ok looking I least I think duhhhh! I can't
believe I married the very first guy who took my fancy.
Had my share of high school romances and embarrassing
kisses...EEUUUOOCCCHHHHH!!. But somehow, I couldn't let
myself be taken as a cheap I never gave any of my
high school boyfriends the thrill of saying.."HECK YEAH..I
DID HER" one can say that about me. I'm
clean..I went through high school clean...I never
smoked...never drank alcohol...never once involved myself
in a fight...I was a model student!. Look at me now. Was
my life worth it?. I am 32 years old...I never really had
a life as a know, the kind that involves
partying..boozing, screwing and simply thinking life is a
blast...oh no..I didn't have that...did I miss much?. I
don't But I can't help but wonder. It was like
from High School, to Police Academy, right into marriage
and motherhood....DANG!!!. Well..I made my
is as such!.

Must head off now to do my motherly chores...its been nice
talking...letting out my innermost woes..hahaha!. Life
sucks sometimes..but today...I know is gonna be a heck of
a great day.

Chheeeeerrrrss :-)