2003-01-03 11:19:50 (UTC)


its been way too long since ive written. things have been
changing, but they haven't really. im still depressed,
still have no clue what gives me happiness, and still live
life by just killing time. i havent cut for a while, except
for just now, because ive been meaning to for a long time.
my mind is so hazardous now, theres no peace at all. i can
do a single thing without a thousand voices of opposition.
but apparently, i get by. ive been helping someone online
with her cutting, and we say that its unhealthy and we
should stop. but, i dont really think its unhealthy yet for
me. i dont cut nearly as hard as her, and so long as it
doesn't leave scars, etc, i should be fine. though, the
mere fact that im using self-mutiliation as an escape may
be unhealthy in of itself. but i think that releasing my
pain on myself is way better than letting it stew around in
my brain. the great controversy now, is whether or not to
take pills. "taking the pills will cure every disease you
have, all negativity in your life will be solved through
these pills" and "pills will destroy you, never take them"
both sound 100% true to me. i go over the argument over and
over in my head every day, and i cant seem to find a stable
opinion. as of this moment, pills probably would be best,
but as soon as i start thinking about this, the more
abstaining from meds sounds better. suicide, at least, is
still looking wrong. i think i just need to move out. some
independence will do me good. i can finally do everything i
wanted to: fast, excersise in the house, eat whatever i
want (which will actually be a lot healthier than what my
parents feed me now). but i never stand up for myself and
do these things because they just make me feel self-
conscious. i hate drawing any attention to myself. i need
to disappear completely and never be found again. another
thing i discovered, probably some notion settled on long
ago, is that i can't respect myself. this came up in a
church sermon, which i thought was surprising, since i
thought that traditional christianity involved self-
loathing. maybe that was just catholicism... but anyway, i
realize that i cant love myself. if i were someone else, of
course i would respect him and treat him fine, like a
friend. but my own self, i just cant accept myself. and
when i tried to, i felt like i was just being an
egotistical self-centered bigot. wow, the irony, the lyrics
of the song im listening to is "have you forgotten to love
yourself" (red house painters, have you forgotten). weird.
probably a sign. anyway, i also need to cry. ive been
getting urges to cry a lot, but its always when im at
school, or in the car. i came really close today, while on
the freeway. but anyway, maybe i just need to get a good
mp3 playlist to get me going, and i can finally cry. its a
great stress reliver. after reading a preview of the matrix
sequels, i found out the creators basically have my idea
ive been working on for some great epic, but who cares, not
like i was going to do it anyway. maybe i should love
myself, but it just seems like such a bizarre and foreign
concept. like myself? unheard of. i dunno, where do i
begin... ive been building up a wall all these years,
against my subconscious, against my guilt, thats what tore
myself apart. i simply cant love my subconscious, it will
kill me if i let my guard down. repression has been going
somewhat smoothly still, im not sure if i wanna try
anything new. not when im getting back into the groove of
self-mutilation. i can't even fuckin comprehend loving
myself, im fuckin scared to. i cant let my guard down.
shit, how much more fucked up can i get anyway... i dont
know, this isn't making any sense... i just can't imagine
what my subconscious will do if i start to accept myself,
even for a few seconds. well, i have a exacto-blade near
me, maybe it could even give me an oppurtunity to self-
mutilate myself and release more pain. shit, it feels like
fuckin suicide... i feel the exact same way i felt when i
was close to committing suicide, all the same thoughts are
flowing through my head... fuck, its like pressing the
blade against my wrist, and that same feeling that i really
really want to do it, but something inside is just pulling
me back. but will this hurt me? this time i can't be sure.
i feel like shakespeare wrote a siloloquy on this before...
fuck, its foreign, i cant grasp this, great, now i feel
like im in limbo, where i can't go back to either
viewpoint, now i have a headache.... maybe its just all the
bright lights in a dark room...... icant feel anything now,
just static..... shit, im going to leave now, maybe i try
this again some other time.....