The Interpersonel Hell Hole
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2003-01-03 07:38:37 (UTC)

TeenOpenDiary too mainstream and my semi troubled life

for some stupid reason i jsut cant seen to even keep a
diary in TOd becasue i dont kno w peoepl take awy the
whole purpose of Online diarys, all my friends practically
know how i write since im so predictable sometimes...its
almsot weird, right now im on ebay tryinfg to win a bid,
ebay i guess is jsut another add in to the litle world i
live it, i dont really shop to much becsue if it, i still
love ogoin to the mall...with my mom no friend s ot go
with i alwasy miss out on those chances itz rather i dont
knwo what were doin tomorrow or i know my paresnts will
say no.....i kinda hate how my mom and dad say they wanan
spend tiem with me but 2 days after they alwasy bitch at
me abotu HotTopic or how i dress over and over.....jjust
fuckin shoot me already , mom threathers to put me in
charm school or barbizon modeling agency, i tore up teh
card for it mom saved but my parents will jsut find
something else to ruin me with again...all over...when i
was 11 and for a short part of mt 12 year old life i spent
alota faily yime downstars with them but for some reason
thigns got wose all tehy had to d was complain ...."your
eating to fast, this and that" i dont wanan hear it anymeo
so i started spending tiem upstairs, tehy thik that im teh
most socially reclusive kid ever, wich in same ways i am
but not really once you actually "listen" to me wich no
one does becasue id ont knwo i say sometimes i bring it on
my slef what peopel think of me.....sometiems its jsut
them, anywash tehy get all worries about me becasue i dont
dress that normal and i love my punk and metal music im
startnif to dres like that, adn i ret to dress more tame
around family cuz they'll thik i have trash paresnts wichi
dont or theyll think somethign seriosuly wrong with me but
unfourrunately....they already do...aloneg with my parsnts
i think they think im a little "soon to be if not
already" fagg.Sometiems when so many peopel have
assumptions and things i gues you start to think you
are...i used to hate gays but i dont becausei put myself
in their position, i woudnt wana live, they odnt wanan be
hated tehy wanan be accepted like i do with my parents,
for a long while i hd srtong views on how i KNOW my
preferance but now i dont anymore....i do but i dont they
make me feeel like a lesbian and i know im not one, but
its liek my aunts and people question me, i feel leik such
an outsider at times in my family, my dad thinks its
acrime that i cant dance, i dont sing, just becausei dont
have rythm he says ive abandoned my blacknes and thats
another thing that hurts me becasue i havent im prpund of
who i am im not the only one! is alll i try to get across,
i dont wana do drugs at alll, sime of my friend do by
with my family being filled with dope feinds liek my
cousins.....i dont wanan end up liek them i love my views
and imnot osme idiot falling under teh in fluence of my
music....and they claim listen to music with people
chainting things with subliminal messages.....thats
alittle bit 70's ......chiristian music sure as hell has
subliminals, ther are alot of them out there anyways my
parents jsut dont see how greatful i am and how muc i
couldnt lvie without them......not altoa familyt are
all "hugging alot" and stuff tehy expect that out od me
pelase met me grow up and be w h o i wanan least
i dont talek back to you a million times im not a
rebel.....i try to make sure moem ok but when the gt into
therese discussions she brings out m bad things.......i
kinda of freze adn all thses backups and ideas fade, i
tryo so hard but ein nice to people friends or family
doesnt seem to help what tehy thik about me i chek on mom
when shes sick and puking on the toilet, i offer to get
her things and she ash the nerve to say that i act like id
ont love her and dad.............and tehn with my school
they ct liek im some amsrt nothi extraodinare
im a regular kid tehy think im a genius whos not tryin
hard enuf....when i aks dad for help he ends up calling me
and idiot...i try so hard.....all i want in life now if to
get really good at my guiate and play music ina
band......i dont care just so i ca tell my paretns "im
livig my dream cant you see im happy like this" but i
loose hope so much...sometimes i get so depressed that i
think im too ugly to cry and i should jsut die, im t ugly
for anybody to come and comefot me who wodl wanna comfrt
such an asshole like me i cry "each night" wanting to die
so so bad butmy drem is what keep me alive that small
session each night, im so sick of tellign all this shit to
my frids or friend shoudl i saay id tel my friends but hey
woudnlt and dont understand me...i dont want them to
sometimes...............thanx to the person who thoguhtof
online diarys

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