A Dreamer's Playground
2001-09-06 02:05:51 (UTC)

Confusion and Annoyance

Once again I am lost as to what I am feeling. Just
merely an hour ago I felt extremely sad for my sister
because her asshole ex-boyfriend (they had a child just so
you know) today..he said to her, (about Adam, my
nephew) "How could I love something I didn't want in the
first place?"
Who can be so heartless? I know he loves that
child...the way he took care of him when he lived here
certainly didn't show anger or hatred.
After he said that to my sister, she came home
crying...I was so close to hitting the memory key and
yelling at him so bad. He is such an asshole and of all
people in the world, he is the one I think should die. He
is a drain on people's happiness and only brings stupidity
and cruelty and impatience with him where ever he goes.
I was so happy a few days ago when I heard that my
sister broke up with Rob. I was damn near rejoicing. Just
the thought of that asshole not being near me and not being
around my house so much made me so unbelievably happy. But
now I'm not so sure...
It almost seems as if they are together again. Once
again I am angered and hatefilled.
I can't even concentrate at school...the first half of
the day at tech goes by fast & is fun...but then I return
to my school and am confined in a room for an hour and a
half and it nearly kills me. I am bored and tired and
spiteful in conditions like that...not that I'm peachy keen
perfect otherwise...but just as an example...I'm usually
pretty content, than it changes to annoyance and hatred.
I have nearly no moments of poetic inspiration and
when I do, I am either on a bus and can't get out paper cuz
there's too many damn people or I'm in class and I'd get in
trouble if I got off-task.
It really sucks to be me. I can rarely maintain a
thought or moment of happiness.
Another thing that I thought of today that sort of
saddens me is the thought of Ray leaving for the Army. He
was a good friend and he better say goodbye to me at
least. He's one of the sweetest guy's I know.
Today, I'm not sure why...but I just thought of him
leaving and me hugging him goodbye to never see him again
until who knows how long if ever...then I remembered one
time when I was at my aunt's house and we were watching a
movie together but someone came to pick me up before I
expected and sarcastically we pretended to cry & hugged
each other goodbye...
At first, this thought made me smile...but then it
made me extremely sad to think that I would never get to
joke around with him again or see my goofy friend hanging
out at my cousin's house...I wonder if I'd ever see him
again after he leaves...I'm just not sure. add to my sadness...Corrine and Rob were
just kissing they either didn't
break up or they got back together I am
depressed even more now.
At the moment life is hell and I feel as though death
is upon me and it is slowly taking over all that is me and
I will slowly writhe and die a painful death. This fate
seemingly has been placed upon me since birth...I am meant
to suffer and die at an early age or truly suffer in my
every moment and pitifully attempt to survive though I
can't avoid the inevitable...

aim/aol instant messenger = zeos2004