humming bird

my F***ed up head
2003-01-03 04:34:41 (UTC)

what do u do?

what do u do when you realize that your loosing control of
everything that you thought you totally had power over?
what do u do when it feels like nothing is going right and
everything is against you? what do u when in a moment you
realize that you would rather give up on life then put up
with all the shit that it throws at you? i'm not living,
i'm only existing. i dont know what i am spose to do and
nothing is making any sense to me and i think that it is
just sinking in. im not over jason and its killing me
inside becuz of the fact that i am so afraid that if i get
him again, im only gonna end up loosing him in a short
period of time and i dont know that i would be able to
handle that again. i miss having his arms aorund me i miss
talking to hima dn being with him and holding him and
kissing him and depending on him. i was so totally
dependent on him and that is why i collapsed when we broke
up. when he left me i did nothing but cry and smoke and
drink, that was my way of dealing and that isnt even
dealing thats only running away and avoiding, but he was
everthing to me, he was my best friend and my boyfriend and
he was all that mattered to me, he wasnt spose to have that
kind of power over me and he did and he always will and i
feel like i am gonna crumble under the weight of
everything. and its so complicated, i mean we cuddled and
he kissed me on my forhead but i have no idea if that means
anything and the whole trying to figure out if it does or
doent is going to drive me straight to insanity, i cant
handle the not know, the whole not having power and just
going with the flow, im not spontaneous when it comes to
relationships. i want to know what is going to happen and i
want toknow what means what and why and what it is going to
lead to. i dont want to be with him like i was with pat and
matt and even stevo, i mean he was closer to a relationship
but he still wasnt, and corbet and god i could go on and on
with names for like hours it is rediculous, i dont want
that, not with him, not like that. i want the real thing,
but we'll just have to wait and see if i get it, but until
then, i'm out , im overwhelmed.