Dookie

Mind of a Wierdo
2001-09-05 22:40:53 (UTC)

It's been awhile ..... but not for grief

Lately I haven't been able to get onto the computer ....
okay well I lied, I got on I just never made it to my die-
ary. Now here I am. I guess I only wanted to get here
because today wasn't the best of days. I feel even more
distant then I did before from everything. One person would
be Chris .... once again ....... I mean I say all these
things that I am falling away yet he never knows my
feelings and sometimes I dont think he even really cares.
Well before we get to today I should get to my weekend. The
worst weekend I could imagine. Everything that I have ever
held in I let it out. I told my mom. The conversation
lasted about two hours at most. Here it goes:
.................

My mom walked into the house really late at night after she
had lied to me. My eyes were teary due to the fact that she
lied. I dont kno why but it pissed me off. Then I started
thinking about all kinds of shnit. What I have done ......
what I feel, so on and so forth. My youngest brother
happened to be in the same room as well. So my mom walks in
and my brother automatically starts yelling at her because
he felt that my mom should have been home earlier. They
both started yelling and I can't tolerate yelling (NO HOW)
so my tears are coming out more. By this time I get up the
courage to tell my brother this has nothing to do with him.
Then I get a phone call. Chris called me and I answered
sobbing and everything and I told him I couldn't talk to
him right at the moment. My mom wanted to talk to him so I
yelled at her "what so you can yell at him too" (by this
time she was yelling at me too) So the entire time that she
is talking to Chris I am yelling at her and she just yells
at me to shut the hell up. She gets off the phone with
Chris but I have no idea of what they were saying. My mom
puts the phone down and starts back up with David. By this
time my brother no longer wants to tolerate my moms shnit.
So he leaves the room ..... then my mom turns to me and
says "so what the hell is your problem?" I just look at her
and say "everything" she says "oh really well let it out" I
tell her no why should I and she says hurry the hell up. So
I tell her that half the time I feel that I dont have any
parents and that the scars on my arm are not from trees (if
you get it .... I am talking about slitting my wrists) By
this time she has started crying. I tell her how she is
hardly ever around and how it feels like I am no longer
part of any family and all the crap that is stuck way down
deep. (Maybe this didnt seem like a two hour fight but in
fact it was.) Now .... my mom just treats me like a lil
kid. Not what I was aiming for. I mean now I regret tellin
her. Some would have thought that it would make you feel
better after getting it all out ...... but I just feel
worse. It helped with nothing. Monday mainly came and went
....... Tuesday wasn't much of a great day either and then
comes today. ................
Ahhhh Today ..............
That would be the shnit hole of a day. Got to school ...
everything was okay, break arrived and Chris told me he was
about a few seconds away from dumping me ........ I mean he
didnt do it ...... and he probably didnt even mean it
........ but the words hurt. Then he was trying to figure
out what was wrong with me the rest of the day. I didn't
tell him. I should also say that I have bruises galore. And
my body is constantly in pain. Yesterday Pablo hurt my
stomach .... I have a bruise on my right leg that hurts
when I walk. Bruises on my arms from playing around with
friends and stuff .... but even though I have bruises that
hurt like hell ........ and my body always aching ......
everyone still wants me to act like I am okay so they can
do more damage. Chris makes fun of me by saying "Man I
can't touch you without hurting you ... I may as well not
touch you anymore" or he tells me that I am a wuss. COME ON
I HAVE BRUISES THAT HURT LIKE HELL AND THEY HURT EVEN MORE
BECAUSE YOU GO AND HIT THEM!!!! What am I to do? NO ... I
kno what I will do ....... I will just not care anymore.
Let everyone just hit me and give me more bruises ... if it
hurts I wont even make a noise ... I will do it just for
them. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WHY CAN'T I JUST END MY LIFE
NOW! WHY DOES EVERYONE TRY AND STOP ME! WHAT THE HELL DO
THEY WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!