once again
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2001-09-05 17:46:56 (UTC)


I thought he was actually doing okay. Then I called Chip
and find out that Shawn is still screwing money out of
prople. He oews Chip money for cleaning the floors from
last week and this week. Chip told me not to say anything
until I talk to him again, but I just want to kick his ass
because he promised he was straightening up. I did however
get a little something out of him. He voluntarily said
that Chip keeps asking for money but he never shows up for
work on time. Shawn said he's always late and he ends up doing most
of the work anyway, but still that's not a reason to take the kids
rent money away from him. I told Chip he needs to just have Mr.
Pappas give it to him from now on. I don't know, I kind of feel let
down because I thought Shawn was doing good finally and this is one
of the things I can't stand. And his friends always come to me when
he does something like this and this time I can't do anything about
it. I miss him so much though. Shawn says nothing is going on with
anyone down there and I want to believe him and the only why I really
can is with updates form other people. Chip is seeing the girl Shawn
supposedly cheated on me with. She nor him will admit that it
happened but other poeople said it did. So I honestly believe it did
and why I'm doing this I have no clue. Chip promised me that if he
saw anything going on he would tell me so I don't waste my time. But
Shawn reassures me everyday that nothing is and he can't wait to get
out of the state so he doesnt have to deal with that crap any more.
But i'm worried if this does happen he might find someone here to
screw me over with. I really have no trust for him and I have no
clue how to get him to start rebuilding it with me. i'd rather let
my 4 yearold nephew drive my car then believe a word out of him, but
I still want things to work. I she just saying this because Kelly is
with Chip now, or is it the honest to god truth? Why would he pick
me of all people to just say things to? I'm out of state and 1100
miles away so that wouldn't make sense so a part of me believes, but
I don't know! Tony screwed up big. I'm on my period and he doesn't
understand that. i told him no I don't want to have sex, it hurts me
too much when I'm on it and he says I can't believe you would do it
with your ex, but not me. And I tried to explain that it was only
once and I don't do it because it hurts and he rolled over and didn't
talk to me for hours like I just mean sex to him and then he tries
apologizing only because he knew I'd leave him otherwise. But i'm
really hurt and frustrated. Only he did it twice. Last night and
two nights ago. THen when I want to explain to him why I won't he
says it's over with and nothing else left to explain. So I'm still
left in the cold. And he got mad at me because I wanted to drive my
car to my sisters house and he didn't talk to me again for 3 hours
and then it was to only say that he'd rather give me the silent
treatment then fight. So it's starting but he's finding these little
manuevers aroud everything to avoid a fight and win. What do I do.
I kinda want to be alone and secluded and in November go to FLorida
and see what if anything is salvageable with Shawn. I feel wrong for
wanting so though. Amica still hasn't called and I don't know why I
am surprised. I tproves to me that her emails saying the letter
wasn't true is lies. But I thought maybe she'd try to salvage this
and apparently she'd rather avoid a fight then face her mistake.
THat's real adult. I miss her but I dont stand for liars, ask
Shawn. So I have these people who care for me...Tony, amica in her
screwed up way, and Shawn. But I still feel all alone. Why can't my
real prince charming drive up her on his red horse and rescue me?