AzureSky143

Kristan's So-Called Life
2003-01-02 02:18:56 (UTC)

New Years

I have never been much for New Years Eve... the only person
I'd ever kissed at midnight was Chris. He was the first
person I really kissed... I mean there were pecks here and
there before, but never a real kiss... that meant something.

Well, that was at the stroke of the year 2000.. now here I
am in 2003 wondering if I'm going to be with Jesse just
because I don't want to be alone. I have been doing that
alot lately... hanging with people I know I have no future
with just to "have someone"

Well, I called Jesse back and made up an excuse that I
wasn't going out at all... I didn't really intend to, so I
didn't think of it as a lie at the time, but I couldn't
have been more wrong.

I went to see my friend Aaron's band Stainless play.. they
were recently signed by an indie label and they're really
good. I was expecting that to tire me out enough to not go
out the rest of the night.

The concert got over at around 11 pm and I heard that Mitch
and Brent were throwing a party. I checked it out..alone..
and it was bonk, so I decided to go home. On my way there
I called John, a friend who lives 3 hours away... and he
happened to be in town. I stopped by just in time for the
count down and just as the clock struck midnight... HE
KISSED ME. not just a friendly kiss either.. he was trying
to make out with me.

Now considering that I had a fling with him a few years
ago, it was really weird.. and the fact that it happened in
front of a crowded room didn't help. I had talked to Josh
(phsycho Josh I'd just broken up with) and he wanted to
clear things up..

I left John's party and promised him I'd be back...
something I shouldn't have done, cuz I know how things
go... but I went to Josh's for a bit and we decided to stay
friends, drank some beer, and played some cards... when....

My phone rang and it was JACK. The fact that I've had a
crush on Jack since I met him was one of the reason that I
didn't hesitate to accept his offer to finish off his last
bottle of champagne... he had spent the whole night just
him and the guys and he wanted to toast the new year with
me.......

I drove over and expected just another friendly talk, since
we'd been friends for over 2 years and had never let it go
farther than hugging..... but I was wrong... he wanted
me to stay, yet didn't pressure me to do anything I didnt'
want to. He was different than I'd ever seen him....
funny, yet concerned...

He asked ME where I wanted this to go.... like as in, there
may be a next time... I didn't know what to say, cuz I know
that he has been with a few girls before and I dont' know
how he'll handle being with someone like me... But
something inside me wants to try.

I didn't stay the night, mainly becuase I am very attracted
to him and didn't want things to go too far.... I have a
tendency to put myself in bad situations. I dont' want
anything to happen that I regret.

On my way home I tried to call John and appologize for not
coming back to his party. His friend answered and said he
was very dissapointed... so I decided to go back and say
goodnite, even tho it was 4 am.

I got there and he was just getting ready to crash... and
he asked me to stay.. I didnt' want to, but I felt really
bad... I dont' know why but I let him hold me for awhile,
and even tho it was nice... all I could think about was
Jack. I fell asleep with John, and woke up full of regret,
even tho nothing had happened...

I left around 8 am and didn't look back.... Now I have to
decided what's going to happen with Jack.... for once, I
think I'll just go with the flow.




Ad: