My life
2003-01-02 00:35:44 (UTC)

A brand New Year

A Brand new start..Its a Brand New Year! I guess you could
say that 2002 didn't really end like I wanted it to. I was
hoping it would have been better. But Hey! What can I say,
it ended the way God wanted it to end. A lot has happened
the past few days. Between Me and Danny, me and Brant, Me
and the WORLD! I guess lately i've been trying to figure
out exactly what the hell I'm suppose to do with my life.
And i've narrowed it down to this.....Hell if i know! I'm
fifteen, I have all these choices i have to make. And I'm
scared to make the wrong one. Or I'm scared that I'm gonna
figure everything out finally, make the right choice, and
not have anytime to live with it. Ok this is whats been
going on the past few days. Me and Danny are barely even
friends anymore. Friday night I didn't go skating. But I
went on Saturday, and there is this new girl Tristian, I
don't like her. I'm sorry I just don't. And Danny has
totally blown me off for her. He acts like I don't
matter. Its not that I'm jealous or whatever. I just
don't want to lose my best friend. Like on Saturday she
came up to me talking all this shit and Danny blammed it
all on me. Ok well that all happened at the rink, well
when i got home i was eating cereal with Marissa (now
called Rio!) and Brant calls and asks is if he can come
over, so I let him. And he is so RUDE to me. OK how can
someone go from being your best friend, telling you how
sorry he is for ever hurting you and all this BULLSHIT,
then treat you like crap?? I don't understand. Well he
left and called me on Sunday morning and said sorry and
asked if him and Chris could come over around 12:00, I said
Yeah, well they never showed up..LiL Fags! So then that
night they called me and asked to come over at like 2:00, i
said sure. Nothing big happened. They were acting stupid
and brant kept asking me to fuck and all this shit, I said
no no no and NO!! I'm so proud of myself!!! Well they
stayed over for like an hour and left. Then that morning
they called me and woke me up and came over. Well i got
in the shower and when i got out and got dressed and i was drying my
hair off w/ a towel and i hear marissa and Brant yelling at each
other, i went into the computer room and the next thing I know brants
yelling at me saying he is never coming over again and all this shit.
So I dont know exactly what happened. But Last night was New Years
Eve and i went to the rink. I had fun, me and Danny were 2gether the
beggining of the night for hour?? And Tristian got
to the rink and guess what...I DIDN'T EXIST!!!!!!! yup!! It made me
mad but I ignored it and hung out with Alyx Adkins the whole time.
Me and Jansen (alyx's crush) became really good friends, we were
going down freaking memory lane for an hour (it was an allnight so we
had 10 hours!) Marissa and Ronnie were stuck up the freaking ass..I'm
sorry but I'm sick of her boyfriends, I just want my best friend back
and when shes going out with Ronnie I don't get to talk to her. And
then when Alyx and Jansen started to go back out, i was totally
alone. So I came out of the bathroom, hyper as anything and i go
over with my 5th dr.pepper and sit with Edwin Jones, Brandon Beggium,
and some other kid and i was off the wall hyper. I had had 8
dougnuts, so i was out of it! It was pretty fun. Sterling and Jason
came up there for a while, sterling kept talking about how hott alyx
was and when she gets into Highschool he is gonna date, it
was funny!! I was with Krueger a lot, I don't like him though. Like
I said, I find confort in him. I was hugging him when they were
doing the countdown and when they said ONE and everyone was going
Happy New Year krueger was like "Happy New Year Casey" and gave me a
kiss. It was really sweet! then he like bent me backwards and kissed
me. So Krueger (once again) was my first kiss of the year! LoL! I
tried to talk to danny a lot but he wouldnt talk to me, I dont get
him. I wouldnt say bye to him when we left. OH YAH! I had to walk all
the way home at 6:30 in the morning on JANUARY 1st!!!!!!!! i had on
boots too..i was pissed, Scott forgot to set the alarm and the phone
somehow was off the hook! So i finally got home and iw as so mad i
went to bed. And then I woke up and Brant called me and was
like "hey were coming over'' So i figured we were OK now. Well when
they finally get here Marissa was leaving and Momma and Scott left me
here with them. Nothing happened, 1- wasnt n the mood, 2- PERIOD!!
But Brant was being really sweet 2night (btw its Wen) he kept putting
his arms around me and stuff and like holding on to my waist and
hugging me and shit. I was leaning on a stole and he came up behind
me and like slapped my ass and was rubbing his hands down my legs and
shit and Chris was sitting in the Chair infront of me and was
like "dude yall know how long yall have had to fuck? But neither of
yall want to" and i didnt say anything and brant goes "Neither of us?
You know i want to" and i laughed and i was like "sux we cant" and
Brant was like "huh? Why" and Chris goes "Period" and brant was
like "man that fucking sucks!" it was so funny! Then we all chilled
in the living room with my mom and then they left but came back and
he like hugged me when they came back and held on to me for a while
and kept pulling me next to him and shit. I dont get him sometimes,
when all that shit happened on Monday i heard him scream to
Marissa "I dont like Casey" , im pretty sure thats what he said...But
Chris says he likes me. So I don't know what i'm suppose to do!!
Honestly, I don't! I wanna be with him so bad but chris says Brants
right...It will fuck everything up. I would have so many more
emotions if we went out...But why do I have all these emotions now,
because were not going on, we are hookin up all the time..I don't
want to stop tho! I keep telling myself, just this one last night,
Next time I won't do anything..Just one more time. Its like an
addiction..I'm addicted to Brant, i crave him! Like I can be away
from him for a few hours and miss him like crazy!! I hate it! I think
I'm gonna try to talk to him..Saturday night at the rink we were
together the whole time and i was sick and upset (normal shit) and he
came up to me saking me what was wrong and stuff..I know thta he
cares about me..But how much? Thats what I need to know..Like if I
made him choose between me and Alex Wilson...Who would he choose?
Someone he only has a short time that dosent really care about him,
or someone he could have as a friend forever and have them love him
more than anything? These are the things I think and wonder
most...And the fears! They are the worst right now, I'm so scared to
lose him..Its not even funny. Like loose what me and him have right
now. No one understands how it is with me and him, how we are with
each other. When he looks at me, I just know that I'm in love with
him, and its NOT infatuation. Yeah, it was at one point in time. But
not anymore. And all that really matters is that I know that, and HE
knows that. I know he does..But sometimes I wonder. Just how far
does his feelings for me actually go? Like if I died tomorrow, what
would he do? Some of the things he says i guess...Make me wonder so
much. But then, he does things that convience me he cares. IM SO
CONFUSED! I have noone to talk to about this. NOBODY, marissa dosent
care, aimee just critizes me, danny dosent care about me anymore,
chris only listens so far, alyx..its wierd w/ her, sometimes she'll
listen but her eyes..they wonder while i'm talking..Chelseas gone,
but she dosent care. Kimmy is to young to understand. I don't know,
I need a best Best BEST friend! Maybe i should just tlak to brant.
But whenever I start to, I freeze up. Its hard for me. Well gg,

PS> Its been 6 months (half a year) since i lost it!!!!