chaoticxpression

my simple small world
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2003-01-01 20:38:08 (UTC)

2003??¿

right now it's really nice out...the sky is dreary, a lite
fog has set in, and it's raining at a rather fast pace..
if it were to be summer time and the temperture be up in
the 70's or 80's, this is the kind of day I would want to
lay on my back naked in some exotic grassy area just
feeling the water drip off my body...
************************************************************
I had some negative revelations about new years last nite.
My brother and his friends were drunk in the basement
making complete asses of themselves.I walked down there
once and it smelled of human fluids, which ones I'm not
sure, but needless to say it was sickening to see people
splash around in drunken marryment....
When I came upstairs I took a shower and I kept thinking,
what the hell is everyone celebrating anyway? One year
closer to self destruction...or one year further away from
the beginning of time?Also I was thinking about all my
friends that say "I do things for MY reasons, not ANYONE
elses"...I believed most of them, but last nite proved them
all fake.All of them were off to partys getting smashed
because it was new years..they didn't envent that ritual,
so they were doing it just because it was new years and
everyone else was.Plus new years eve is just an excuse to
do what you do every weekend anyway...
..........maybe I'm being so synical because I was forced
sober...if so still, I had a sucky new years eve.
************************************************************
I found my cat dead yesterday...He wasn't my cat, he was
the drifter cat that I had gotten quite close to.He was an
outdoor cat that went from house to house getting food, but
everytime he came around I'd talk to him and pet him...He'd
been coming around since as long as I can remember.(he was
20 years old)
This cat had one red eye and one black eye, and was a black
cat...I found this cat to be quite mystical and I loved it
very much.
I just had this attachment with him, like I could talk to
him even though he couldn't talk.And I consider cats to be
very important animals, but I'm not going to go into that
right now.
I found him in my side yard curled up with his eyes shut.He
looked happy in a way.I'm not sure how he died, but I put a
dried rose on top of him and poured a circle of salt water
around him....
My neighbor buried him with the rose...
It saddend me to find out he's gone...there was definetely
some makical lite in that cat.
************************************************************
Anyways, white people are NOT supposed to have dreads.It
looks cool, (on some), but it is a very hard task to
complete.My friend got me to do her dreads
yesterday.Between the backcombing and the wax, I realized
how much I didn't want to do it, but I did it for her since
she really wanted it done and I told her I would.
She kept fearing I was gonna skrew up, so I let her do the
front ones...
It looked cool, but still.TO MUCH WORK!!!
************************************************************
I had a dream a couple nites ago that I can't interpret. I
don't look up all my dreams, but the ones that I think mean
something, I'll tare apart in my mind and look up to see
what it means propheticly.But this dream I had I looked up
in a couple of books and I couldn't find out what it ment.
The dream was that Alan and I were five years old, and we
were outside playing in a garden.It was sunny out...I was
chasing white rabbits around the perimeter of the garden,
they wouldn't run away, they would just be about two feet
in front of me, and even when I stopped running, they kept
running the perimeter of the garden.Alan kept trying to get
me to stop chasing the rabbits, and finally I did to see
what he wanted.He had a jar with an african beetle in it.He
told me that if it stings you, your dead.He let the beetle
out of the jar and it flew toward me...I screamed, I don't
want to die yet.....over and over again.(plus at this point
I was thinking I didn't want my baby to die either, so even
though I was five years old, I was still pregnant)Alan's
eyes got really big when he realized that the bug wouldn't
leave me alone and then he ran toward me trying to shu it
away....Then I woke up, swatting at the back of my neck...
*******the dream just struck me as odd...I want to know
what it means..
************************************************************
I keep debating in my mind whether to tell alan of these
feelings about him or not.He's a sagaterrius which means
he's in love with freedom, and not big on commitment.
(I'm the same way, but still....)
I think I'll probaly wait until after I have the baby.
That's along way off, but if I still feel this way then
(which I'm sure I will, since the intensity is slowly
growing), then the feeling is genuwine.To love someone
several months and this feeling not change and keep it a
secret...
though I know he knows how I feel about it.When he looks at
me I feel naked, like he can see inside the darkest places
of my mind.I think he can sense it.
But I'm not sure....
At the same time, I'm starting to understand him, but I
dare not tell him that...
It's not that he's simple minded enough to figure out,
since that's not the case, but I know what he's going to
say before he says it sometimes...things like that.
************************************************************
I'm gonna get ready for work now...
........................byes....


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