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Memoirs of Royalty
2001-09-05 07:40:17 (UTC)

It Begins...

My friend has been using this diary service for a month now,
and after reading his entries, for one reason or another,
I've decided to begin my own. Similar to my friend's, this
diary shall serve as some sort of therapeutic value, if not
for the readers, than for myself. I shall put my soul into
the 1s and 0s, just so a select few will be able to step
inside, meander about, and maybe, if I'm lucky, clean up
after me.

Today is the first day of my diary, and coincidentally, the
first day of my new downward spiral here at school. Today,
I was again (at least in my mentality) ABUSED by this school
I go to. My lifeline of sorts, the internet, has been a
"priviledge" that for one reason or another doesn't seem to
work as well as it should, and I am beginning to subscribe
to the conspiracy theories. Music is my life, mp3s are a
means of hearing music, and when my ability to download them
is taken away, it angers me immensely. The "heads" are
going to contact me tomorrow regarding my horrible service
here, so we'll see what kind of runaround they give me this
time.

Today I quit my workstudy job of three years. It was
difficult to do, but it wasn't THAT difficult, which
disconcerts me a bit. The only thing that truly prevented
me from quitting was my fear of my next job being worse, and
the fact that looking like a quitter is one of the worst
things I can do right now. Yet, the dust settles, and for
the time being, I am unemployed. We'll see what tomorrow
brings.

And I can only assume that tomorrow will be no better than
the days proceeding it. The band Travis has a song called
"Writing To Reach You", where "everyday I wake up and it's
Sunday", turns into, "maybe then tomorrow will be Monday".
For me though, everyday IS Monday...and I don't like it.

Things are falling apart (yet fortunately, rather slowly)
here each day since I've returned to school. I have given
up the usage of illegal substances, which now and forever
can only be perceived by me as being a good thing. Yet, do
to this fact, I find myself alienated from most...especially
those who used to be closest to me. I continue to come to
the conclusion that nobody cares for me as much as I care
for them...which is disconcerting to say the least. I
possess a heart of gold, a loving heart. I do not hate even
the worst people until they give me a specific reason to do
so. It turns out though, not everyone needs a reason to
hate. While I am struggling for the attention and
affection of those who I assumed to be my friends, there are
those who hate me because of how I look, the color of my
hair, and (the most rational reason), the things that I may
say. Some however hate me merely because of my prescence.
Usually I relish in that fact. It means I scare them, if
even just a little. But at times, I become more vulnerable
to my own paranoias, my own feelings, and the hatred begins
to hurt. Today wasn't necessarily one of those days, but
one of those days definitely had a factor in creating today.

Enough of that though, let's move on to what turns out to be
a big factor in my life, thereby making it a big factor in
this journal. The issue of girls, and my "random"
situations of that nature. I feel guilty right now,
thinking about a year ago. Almost an exact year ago. A
situation occurred between myself and a girl, and while I
was bitter for the results, there was always an overlying
feeling of guilt. Somehow, I felt as if I had destroyed
her, in her very first days here. I carried that with me
until about three weeks ago. Thinking about returning from
my summer vacation, these feelings finally
disappeared...that is until Sunday. See, I think she
transfered, because I haven't seen her, and by this time I
would have. So the guilt returns...while it could have been
a million reasons, I may be one, and I may be a big one, or
not, but it kills me. I am a sweet boy...really...just a
big boy at times...anyone who knows me can attest to that.
Things like this weren't supposed to happen to me...or
because of me. I am so sorry. It was never meant to be
like that. Even though it could just as easily been your
fault, you were most affected by the events of the
incident...I'm still trying to decide who was most affected
by the aftermath. I'm inclined to believe it was still you.
I'm sorry.

[Just an interjection, used as an interruption, and then
moving on: From time to time (or maybe all the time), at
the closing to an entry, or maybe in place of an entry, I
will offer up a poem or two, complete originals, created on
the spot, that may or may not sum up my feelings for a
period of time. I think that my journal would be incomplete
without doing such a thing.]

[Another interjection]
A movie everyone should see at least once in their lives:
"The Power of One"; I think it's fantastic.

Back to the task at hand...so girls. And here's an
interesting thing. My friends and I all use codenames when
referring to people, but I've gotten them all confused right
now (3:13am; coming off a day of a 5-hour sleep), and
initials won't work too well either, so this time of
nomenclature will be a work in progress. In theory, since
nobody is really going to read this, I should be able to use
full names, but we never know...I would think twice about
doing so in a paper diary because someone might steal
it...so I'll think twice about this as well.

But today---and this was a topic amongst friends, and I'll
try to keep some of the original poeticism alive---today,
when I saw this girl, I felt again. You may ask, "What did
you feel?" And to that I reply that I just felt. I am
unsure as to what I specifically felt, but where there
was once a "love" (or so I foolishly thought), which was
replaced my a "desperation", and then a "hatred", was
eventually replaced by nothing. Nothing at all. I could
walk through a crowd, a run right into her, and just keep
walking as if the wall moved into and then out of my way.
Well today, with this girl, I again just felt. Yesterday, I
was in her way. She snott-ishly said, "excuse me," to which
I replied, "oh! sorry," in a genuine tone. Her tone then
changed as she said, "it's ok." Yesterday, I felt nothing.
Today, sitting alone, I glance across a crowded room and
see her, and again, and I am being truly honest, I felt
nothing. Two hours later, I see her again, same place,
different positions, much less people, I glance at her. I
catch her eye, and this time, I faked that I felt nothing.
But I did. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't an ill
feeling. I felt. Herein lies the small, most probably
self-rectifying problem. This girl is by no means
interested in me, and to the best of my knowledge, has a
boyfriend. And since I am a stronger man than I was two
years ago...this will go away...I am almost completely sure
of that. Yet, there is that small thought...although it's
not strong enough to conquer all the other girls that rattle
in my head more than she. Could it be that simply because I
had been away from all this for awhile it clicked again?
Could very well be. Could it be that it was merely a
familiar face that I was used to when I was lonely.
Probably. But I will never truly know, and such is the
mystery of it all. Tomorrow, so long as this doesn't force
me to over analyze it, the whole thing will have maybe
faded. Although, unfortunately, just by merely saying it,
it almost condemns me to do so, doesn't it? Oops. Yet
again, we shall see.

So there is that one...and there are more...and we will
probably have a paragraph devoted to one more, and then a
paragraph devoted to the rest, and then, I shall get a
minimal amount of sleep that I so desperately require.

I truly believe (or at least I did so yesterday) that I have
(yet again?) fallen in "love" with a girl who could turn out
to be the worst influence in my life (doesn't it always seem
to be that way?). She used to be sweet...then a month
passed. Turns out, she was a devil in a saints disguise.
Turns out, I didn't care. Turns out, a year later, I "asked
her out". Turns out...she didn't care. Get it? (a little
joke) But seriously, it turns out, that I feel she and I
have become one and the same...in our shared misery. So
sad. And it used to always be, that was always patiently
waiting for her to break up with her current boyfriend, so I
could sneak in and be the current boyfriend, but there was
never a lag between one and the next. Until now...except
there are three issues. The first is that she is away until
January. The old, out of sight out of mind addage. But
there is also the old, absence makes the heart grow fonder
addage as well. She'll be back...and like the past two
years, my eyes will focus in a different direction, while a
piece of my heart, whether she wants it or not, will be
devoted to her. It's almost pathetic, eh? But fifty years
after I'm dead, if this drama ever makes it into my
biography, years after that, the generations would look upon
that chapter and comment on how sweet it was. Heh. 'Tis a
long way 'til January.

As much as it was promised...I can't continue any more
tonight...for the first time in a long time, I can say, I am
tired, and must go to sleep now...especially since I have to
get up in less than four hours. Plus, you've had a lot to
read today anyways, haven't you?

Needless to say, I plan to begin the next entry with that
promised paragraph about "the others", but plans always fall
through, and change, don't they?

Needless to say, no poems tonight. Sorry.

Hope you enjoyed this first trek through my brain.

--JK

P.S. I kind of like how this was written as both a diary
for myself and a correspondence to the nonexistant audience.
That was fun. (Although it might be because I know that
there is soon to be an audience. Who knows?) Goodnight.